Theories of abjection usually approach it as a transhistorical and unchanging characteristic of human organization, a natural corollary of bodily and psychological functions. However, historical and post-colonial approaches in particular examine abjection as directly linked to the extension of disciplinary techniques of the Western state to colonized populations. Techniques of control and sanitation have thus become synonymous with the civilizing imperative of imperialist expansion. I hereby examine ambivalences towards abjection in post-Ottoman Iraklion, Crete, to imply that they are directly linked to the memory of such civilizing missions. At the beginning of the 20th century, the implementation of colonial technologies of rule by the British occupying forces happened simultaneously with the state-sanctioned urban reforms. These combined processes created a regime of historicity that appears in facetious stories that question its completeness, its political aims and the very foundations of Western civility. In performative speech acts, bodily functions become contested terrains for a critical recollection of state-sanctioned modernization. The purported passage from barbarism to civilization with the end of Ottoman suzerainty is questioned in a way that proposes that the distinctions it has created, between dirty and clean, Turkish and Greek, old and new, country and city, are only a facade for the collusion of state and privileged classes in their effort to modernize the city.