How to Have a Visitor Toby Bochan He is flying in to see you for a long weekend. He works at a place where you get every possible holiday, a bank or a school or the government. You don't know exactly what he does. Something involving numbers. You have known each other since college, from college. You've seen him once or twice a year since graduation: same place, same time kind of things. But this is his first visit to see you, just to see you. He lives far enough away that driving isn't feasible. Especially because you hate to drive and he doesn't own a car. Thomas, always for you Thomas and never Tom, Thomas lives in Boston. He doesn't, he says, need a car. How nice for him! Your car, on the other hand, has been acting up: making rude noises, stalling. Mornings you pump the gas (three times three is the magic number) and hope that it will start. There is really no other way to get around where you live in Texas. Thomas takes the T, the mass transit in Boston, Massachusetts. You mix up the words, try to fit it into a limerick: There once was a young man named Thomaswho preferred to a car the train mass,And twice a day heis found riding the Tfrom his home to his work in Boston, Mass! Poetry is not your strong suit. It's not a red power suit. It's not even your conservative navy blue interview suit that got you your current crummy job, copy editing. Poetry is the bargain dress that looks like a suit, but really is only one piece, a faux suit with a jacket that can't be removed. [End Page 166] 100% Polyester, but you kind of like it anyway. You wear it occasionally. Play around with it. Limericks are your new puzzle. Instead of trying to figure out a five-letter word for fatigued (tired) over coffee at work, spend time thinking of words that rhyme with Thomas. Make a list: bass, brass, crass, class, gas, grass, lass, pass, sass. Your big fat ass, impossible to pass after Christmas. Alas! Start dieting. Start going to the gym every day, an hour and a half each time. You want to have nice, flat abs for him. Don't hope for a washboard stomach. Okay, hope for it all you want, but know it won't happen. You only have twelve days. Each morning, stand in front of the mirror, stretching your arms overhead. Check your thighs for cellulite. Whoop! There it is! Go to the mall and buy an expensive, ineffectual cellulite cream. It is 35 dollars. You don't have this kind of money to spend on a cream, so charge it. At the Clinique counter, a woman asks if you would like a free skincare analysis. She is wearing a white lab coat open over her dress. You guess this is supposed to make you feel like she's a scientist, like she has a degree in dermatology or at least has taken a night course in beauty school. The way she has applied her blush, two peach slashes, makes you doubt that she has. Still, what the hell! You want to look your best. Say: "Sure." The woman with bad blush sits you in front of a magnifying mirror. This is not pleasant. And you have good skin! Mrs. Blush 1986 looks at you and slides the answers to question on a little plastic chart. She slides a silver knob over so a yellow block that says, Fair, shows in the window labeled Skin Color. She looks directly into your eyes, squinting. Eye color: Hazel/Brown. "Is that your natural hair color?" she asks. Say: "Yes," but it is not—you think. You think this shade is a little redder than your natural color, but it's close enough for her. What color is this hair? The box said dark copper. You think of old pennies. Your hair is nothing like the color of any penny. Dark Brown, she slides in, looking at your roots. "Do you bum...
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