Age 8The big kids have long legs and white-toothed grins. Beautiful and frightening; she loves them, she fears them. the big kids, easy in their confidence and power, their casual cruelty, their gestures of kindness that mean everything.She totters on roller skates, determined. she does not hold onto the side. Fear wraps its tongue around her, a tentacled spike from heart to head. she has never skated before, but she will not hold onto the side. she falls. she will not cry. she will not cry. Fear's tongue is coated in slime.One foot in front of the other, staggering, falling, a tunnel that goes round and round. she rams into the wall, the whumph against her chest like a hug, only better, safer. she turns and looks at the rink with eyes that aren't tunneled by fear. the big kids, the kids with white skates and fancy clothes, black skates with purple toe stops. so skilled, so confident.She dreams that one day, if she works hard and practices, maybe she could be like that. skilled, skating like it's flying, in beautiful skates that aren't rental beige, skates that dance and sing. their long legs are magic.Hope balloons, and pops just as fast. she will never own a pair of skates. she will never be one of the beautiful people.This is the truth.Age 20dancing at the club. sweat on vinyl. Body aching. Red wine to soothe the sting. dancing until she doesn't have a body anymore. Bored kissing, at least the tongue piercing gives her something to play with. stick with it long enough to be polite, then back to the dance floor, feet on fire but she doesn't care. dance like her red ankle boots are the real red shoes, like her skin has wings and the music can take her anywhere.She is the truth.Age 32Her back is stiff from hunching in front of the computer all day, shifting seats to slouch in front of the computer all night-frozen meals aren't too bad these days. she should get out more, but the clubs are too crowded, the music sucks, and the kids are just plastic mannequins. they've lost the soul the club once had. sometimes she misses Kendo, she misses her senpai and kohai, but she doesn't miss the creep her sensei turned out to be.She doesn't like answering the phone. she ignores party invitations; she's too tired and they're just doing it to be polite. Her hands are cold all the time and in winter she can't feel her feet.Alison knows her best. Comes to the door, so she can't escape. i have tickets; we're going out.And with Alison there, breathing becomes easy. Her body remembers the ritual of war paint and short skirt. she teases up her hair, sucks hard candy that makes her tongue blue. she tucks a hipflask into her cleavage; tequila's smoke curls around her ribs and strokes her muscles.The crowd is huge. she's surprised by how normal most of them look. Age six to seventy, oldsters, hipsters, hippies, dinks, twinks, tourists, mundanes, femmes, goth boys, industrial girls, and seahawks fans. A newborn wears earmuffs and sucks on the breast of a gothabilly in a three-piece suit while his other mum stands in line for tepid pBR.They don't punch each other in roller derby, not anymore. no pillow fights, no penalty wheel with recreational flogging, and this track is f lat, not banked.The whistle blows, skaters line up, collide, scramble around the track and she has no idea what the fuck is going on.It's chaos and her body is overwhelmed by the juddering crowd and piercing whistles. it's chaos and there's a jammer, the one with the star, pushing her way through the pack. it's chaos and the lead jammer forces her way through the pack, one, two, three times, scoring points with every pass. it's chaos and the red team is trying to slow it down while the black team is speeding it up.It's fierce players stepping on to the track, teeth blackened by mouthguards. it's jostling for position, escaping a trap, grabbing a goat, eating a baby, good clean hits, and C'Mon ReF! …
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