Laser conversion of metal-organic frameworks (MOFs) has recently emerged as a fast and low-energy consumptive approach to create scalable MOF derivatives for catalysis, energy, and optics. However, due to the virtually unlimited MOF structures and tunable laser parameters, the results of their interaction are unpredictable and poorly controlled. Here, we experimentally base a general approach to create nano- to centimeter-scale MOF derivatives with the desired nonlinear optical and catalytic properties. Five three- and two-dimensional MOFs, differing in chemical composition, topology, and thermal resistance, have been selected as precursors. Tuning the laser parameters (i.e., pulse duration from fs to ns and repetition rate from kHz to MHz), we switch between ultrafast nonthermal destruction and thermal decomposition of MOFs. We have established that regardless of the chemical composition and MOF topology, the tuning of the laser parameters allows obtaining a series of structurally different derivatives, and the transition from femtosecond to nanosecond laser regimes ensures the scaling of the derivatives from nano- to centimeter scales. Herein, the thermal resistance of MOFs affects the structure and chemical composition of the resulting derivatives. Finally, we outline the "laser parameters versus MOF structure" space, in which one can create the desired and scalable platforms with nonlinear optical properties from photoluminescence to light control and enhanced catalytic activity.