158 RACHEL ZUCKER PAST PERFORMANCE BASED ON FUTURE RESULTS There we were asset striping, engaging in unbridled naked short selling, while the big swinging dicks got by on greater fool theory. Stock boys going down on Franny and Freddy in murky corners of the market while Morgan, Lehman, and Merrill woke up to find themselves a Texas hedge away from the pink sheets. Longs were down and shorts were up but, what the fuck—we were prime brokered, we were counter partied, we were outperforming. Gold Kist is still an attractive risk. Helen of Troy sells to Target and Walmart, two brutal negotiators, and our favorite pick has a near-monopoly on misaligned teeth. So, come on, let’s pump and dump and pump and dump. Sell on the rumor and buy on the news. Our shorts are compellingly vulnerable. Our current exposure is high. We’re holding our holdings, except when we swap. We still seek volatility and bottoms, and, under the avalanche of bad paper, offer ample opportunity. 159 THE END OF CAUSE AND EFFECT Forgive us for raising this while you’re dealing with important issues in the Middle East, but could you clarify for us, sir, exactly what your relationship was with Ms. Lewinsky? There is a ~ between fiber and ?. Estrogen and. Water ~ a&sociation. co&nection. a&filliation the nature of the relationship co~relation between heart disease & colorectal cancer & aluminum & plastic & libido & medicine & : : : you [baby] sleep me fucked (pornograph) no sleep gamete hospital no whining , boy cycle re New York normal [childhood] & shhhhhhhhhhhhh email stupid houseplants others / family allergens anti- & & coagulants blood pact family mites misery other RACHEL ZUCKER 160 [nettles] states : : forgive ness cessity ’s ’s ’s-fights mine turn taking notebook sleep making : : dinner / love / your brother crazy dreams waking want other men ’s more “s”’s history New York other citys air quality time park children germ states play boroughs under ground cry-it-out night-waking(s) outlook five day new repelling forecast (by) products 1/2 lives wicking non-degradable made material eternal all ill will will existential waking spousal filial outlast & us & you & baby state : : of desire of mind of despair of disrepair of the nation war apartment grace disaster of emergency of need of [an & makes two anythings co&nected but doesn’t cause] [peanut butter & [jelly] anaphalactic] shock the nature of the relationship [epi] of the relationship [epic] night serial prophylactic I did not have did not have did not have [breasts and hands] 161 WHEN WE WERE RICH We hardly had sex. I bet celebrities didn’t either. We bought cage-free, grain-fed eggs instead and found solace in fine dining. We paid our hip, chaste nanny well and insured the lives of those we loved. We met with school psychologists when nothing was wrong and summered where the ocean shocked our cerebral offspring. Otherwise we discussed the diversity and toxicity of our urban epicenter in smug and terrified tones. Foreigners wanted to kill us and buy our overvalued real estate. We bemoaned the demise of Humanism, Liberalism, Intellectualism, over microgreens and grass-fed brisket. We were fat or over-exercised by half-naked trainers who confessed celibacy between motivational tirades. We wore “mensch” and “homebirth mama” T-shirts and practiced armchair activism between episodes of meticulous television. At night we snored or suffered insomnia unaided by our extensive knowledge of herbs, tonics, tinctures and decoctions. We helped women have the births they wanted or high school students get into elite colleges. We combined apartments and adopted endangered animals on the internet. We had stars named after our sons and ran into Philip Roth in Central Park and in Zabar’s where we bought smoked fish even though the sable is better at Barney Greengrass. That was when we were rich but didn’t know it, didn’t know what we were missing. Now we’re fucked. Every night. RACHEL ZUCKER ...