The Gross–Pitaevskii–Poisson equations that govern the evolution of self-gravitating Bose–Einstein condensates, possibly representing dark matter halos, experience a process of gravitational cooling and violent relaxation. We propose a heuristic parametrization of this complicated process in the spirit of Lynden-Bell’s theory of violent relaxation for collisionless stellar systems. We derive a generalized wave equation that was introduced phenomenologically in Chavanis (Eur Phys J Plus 132:248, 2017) involving a logarithmic nonlinearity associated with an effective temperature $$T_\mathrm{eff}$$ and a damping term associated with a friction $$\xi $$ . These terms can be obtained from a maximum entropy production principle and are linked by a form of Einstein relation expressing the fluctuation-dissipation theorem. The wave equation satisfies an H-theorem for the Lynden-Bell entropy and relaxes towards a stable equilibrium state which is a maximum of entropy at fixed mass and energy. This equilibrium state represents the most probable state of a Bose–Einstein condensate dark matter halo. It generically has a core-halo structure. The quantum core prevents gravitational collapse and may solve the core-cusp problem. The isothermal halo leads to flat rotation curves in agreement with the observations. These results are consistent with the phenomenology of dark matter halos. Furthermore, as shown in a previous paper (Chavanis in Phys Rev D 100:123506, 2019), the maximization of entropy with respect to the core mass at fixed total mass and total energy determines a core mass–halo mass relation which agrees with the relation obtained in direct numerical simulations. We stress the importance of using a microcanonical description instead of a canonical one. We also explain how our formalism can be applied to the case of fermionic dark matter halos.