Abstract This paper argues that an anonymous epigram about the commentator Crassicius marrying Cinna’s Zmyrna is a satirical poem playfully evoking the incest of Zmyrna in order to make a more pointed critique of the genre of commentary. The poem suggests that like Zmyrna herself, the Zmyrna is libidinous, an unfaithful and Catullan mistress who cannot be trusted by her commentator. The poem therefore invites the reader to think more broadly about the relationship between author and commentator and about issues of textual ownership. In antiquity, poems are often imagined as sexual partners, while conversely sex itself is conceptualised as a grammatical activity. Sexuality therefore becomes a site for thinking about grammar and literary criticism and the relationship of commentator to text.