Abstract Domestic radicalization to violent extremism has evolved into the most urgent terrorism threat facing the West. We contribute to research on extremism and role exit processes by demonstrating how identity transformations are linked to the pursuit and avoidance of possible future selves motivated by negative emotional states of shame, embarrassment and guilt. The data are drawn from in-depth life history interviews with 47 former members of US domestic violent extremist groups. The interviewees, who had detailed accounts of childhood maltreatment, abuse and neglect, were vulnerable and looking for belonging, acceptance and significance in their lives. The interviews revealed that the extremist role identity conflicted with other emerging aspects of their selves (e.g. parent, spouse) that created an interaction between negative emotional states (i.e. shame, guilt and embarrassment) and doubts about their group involvement. The internal conflicts and emotional awareness opened individuals to embrace non-extremist versions of themselves. These processes diverted their extremist trajectory by creating doubts, engaging in anticipatory socialization and avoiding a feared possible self.