We study the velocity statistics distribution of an external heavy particle in holographic fluids. We argue that when the dual supergravity background has a finite temperature horizon the velocity statistics goes generically as $1/v$, compatible with the jet-quenching intuition from the quark-gluon plasma. A careful analysis of the behavior of the classical string whose apparent worldsheet horizon deviates from the background horizon reveals that other regimes are possible. We numerically discuss two cases: the magnetized quark-gluon plasma and a model of superfluid flow. We explore a range of parameters in these top-down supergravity solutions including, respectively, the magnetic field and the superfluid velocity. We determine that the velocity statistics goes largely as $1/v$, however, as we leave the non-relativistic regime we observe some deviations.