Advanced absorbents must meet the requirements of superior hydrophobic/oleophilic behavior, favorable adsorption efficiency, and high photothermal and Joule heating performance to handle frequent crude oil spills. However, current carbon-based absorbents suffer from poor fire resistance, thus severely limiting their application in harsh environments. Herein, inspired by a bird's nest, a polymer “welding” strategy is proposed to design a versatile absorbent in which the polymer serves as a “binder” to interconnect discontinuous fibers together to form a 3D welded structure. The continuous conductive networks endow the absorbent with high photothermal and Joule heating effect, thus achieving all-weather adsorption, and improving the adsorption efficiency of crude oil via the self-heating function. Compared with other absorbents, the absorbent prepared via polymer welding technology exhibited preferable comprehensive performance, such as superhydrophobicity, high fire resistance, and high absorption efficiency. Specially, the noninflammable absorbent can restrain the combustion of crude oil, thereby reducing its combustion in case of fire. The versatile absorbent is expected to provide a promising solution for the safe and efficient cleanup of crude oil spills in harsh environments. Overall, the unique polymer welding strategy can be developed into a universal strategy for other material systems to expand their applications.