ABSTRACT Network marketing has seen no shortage of criticism, but its capital gain for corporate owners and top-tier sellers has remained consistent. In this article, we focus attention on the strategies from which this success emerges. Because the discourses which circulate in these spaces serve to uphold multiple oppressive systems at once and do so under the guise of a seemingly progressive feminism, we see import in demystifying their trends. By analysing brand materials of hair care and wellness company, Monat, as well as the prominent social media presence of some of its most affluent ‘biz and beauty mentors’, we argue that neoliberal feminism and Christian femininity are both demonstrated and reified through the figure of the online influencer we call the ‘godly girlboss’. By exploring how the company’s top sellers integrate messages of religion, beauty, wealth, and wellness, we argue that their rhetoric functions not only to help them sell shampoo, but also to engender investment in a specific white, Christian, feminine lifestyle. In this way, their social media influence operates not only as a capitalist tool, but a political one.