BALANCING THE BOOKS by Oulda Sebestyen Scientists and mystics tell us that we live in an orderly universe. They assure us that a beautiful set of checks and balances is always at work. At some point in my recent past I decided to believe this—in spite of a great deal of evidence suggesting that we humans have managed, through great diligence, to bring considerable chaos to our lives and our world. First off I had to admit, grudgingly, that some of the chaos around me might be the result of my sloppy housekeeping, and my even sloppier thinking. After that, I could finally begin to look for the harmony and symmetry that I had been told were the natural order of things. And I found them—all around me, in abundance—flowing, adjusting, striking balances right and left. Order, equity, unity, everywhere. I began to make connections I'd never made before. Everything started to explain everything else. This has been a rich, almost startling experience, because on the whole, writers live precarious lives—forever dependent on circumstances and the favor of strangers. The queens of romance and the kings of horror don't live that way, of course, but most writers do. They almost get used to it, but never quite—they realize a bit bleakly that they'll never have a pension, they'll never get paid for those years of on-the-job training, or for their failures. Those wildly varying royalty checks, coming six months apart, train them to live on deferred hope and expectation. But they seize their days in other ways. If there are debits there are also credits—remember, everything in the universe continually longs for equilibrium. Right? I'm not a fluent writer by nature. My body of work is still a ninety-pound weakling. Since I started writing in deadly earnest some forty-six years ago (at the age of twenty, in case you're counting) I've written nine novels, but only five have been published, and all in the last eleven years. It took me a while to get the hang of it. I still plod along like a snail in molasses. And to my dismay each new book is harder to write than the one before. It might be lovely to become an absolute fountain of creativity, and have to worry about how to spend money instead of carefully cutting expenses to the bone all the time. On the other hand, a small objective part of me thinks we already chop down too many trees and spew out too many books and magazines and newspapers and reports-in-triplicate, full of chitchat and ephemera—mine included. I catch that part of me thinking, Well, I haven't planted a tree today, but at least I'm writing the Great American Novel on the back of my junk mail. One of the assets of my presently limited lifestyle is that it is constantly giving me a more casual, humorous "so-what" way of looking at my material world—my 'things". It doesn't bother me in the least that I'm standing here in a dress I made twenty years ago, or that I bought my eye shadow at Woolworth's in 1955. (I go very light on eye shadow.) I can laugh about it because the Woolworth's was in London, and somehow for me that evens it all out. And back in April I spent three dollars for these shoes at the thrift shop, but I also "spent" that same bright windy day flying a kite with my delighted son and my delirious dog, on a high mesa with the Rocky Mountains jutting up joyously behind us. We all have to strike our own balances. Writers, inside themselves, struggle with the problem of whether to write a lot, or live a lot, or do 39 some of each. They have to weigh carefully the time spent in "experiencing life" and the time spent "working", because they must draw upon those experiences for their work. They have to take in so they can give out. They can't offer up the distilled, refined essences of life if...
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