When Your Child Is Difficult (Solve Your Toughest Child-Raising Problems With a Four-Step Plan That Works)

Abstract

When Your Child Is Difficult (Solve Your Toughest Child-Raising Problems With a Four-Step Plan That Works) Mel Silberman. Champaign, IL: Research Press, 1995, 128 pp., $12.95 (paperback). Although parenting brings great rewards, it is an endeavor which is rarely perfected. Our children are often friendly, warm, compliant, helpful, etc. Unfortunately, they are sometimes unfriendly, moody, noncompliant, and just plain difficult! Silberman's When Your Child Is Difficult presents practical and thoughtful techniques to empower parents to better deal with the behavior problems their children exhibit. The style in which the book is written parallels its themes: pragmatism, a multimodal approach, conciseness, and clear communication. These characteristics are likely to enable parents and other caregivers to absorb Silberman's practical instructions and help them to remember and utilize the skills presented. "This book has one overriding goal: to give parents (and all other child-care providers) the confidence to help their children change their behavior when they are being difficult (p. ix)." The major strength of the book lies in Silberman's conceptualization of specific techniques, the clear organization of the chapters, and the use of various modes to present the material. Conceptually, he has constructed a simple four-step plan that is easily remembered and put into practice. This short and easily read book is divided into two parts: The Building Blocks and the Four-Step Plan. Part I has two chapters that, as the title implies, lay the foundation for the chapters that follow. Part II consists of five chapters, four of which describe the four-step plan, with a final review chapter. In chapter 1, "The Dual Role of Parents," Silberman asserts that "whether your child is strong-willed, shy, fearful, slow, or simply immature at times, his behavior can change (p. 3)." A written exercise targeting parental understanding of children's "needs" follows. He then defines the dual role as made up of the caring role and the executive role. "The caring role of parents includes all those acts that directly let a child know that she is accepted, nurtured, supported, and loved. By contrast the executive role of parents includes all those acts that directly let a child know that he is under the influence and direction of an adult who is in charge of the child's well-being" (p. 6). Then, Silberman explains the benefits of each role including the development of trust, a sense of support, self-reliance, etc. He challenges the notion that the caring role is sufficient and emphasizes that both roles are necessary. The chapter ends with six common questions and answers, such as "Don't we control children too much by being executives?" and "Do I have to be in charge all the time." We note that Silberman varies between the use of "he" and "she" which is certainly admirable. However, there are instances where the sentence could be restructured to eliminate any reference to sex which would be even more preferable. Also, we question whether the term "needs" is appropriate. It is wise, in our view, that parents understand the difference between needs (typically defined as biological drive states) and wants or desires (conditioned drive states which emerge within a family or culture). It might be better to inform parents that children are "more likely" to thrive and be less difficult if they live in a family which provides love, understanding, patience, acceptance, etc. Whether these are needs or wants is scientifically uncertain. However, we certainly understand Silberman's desire to be as simple as possible in this book aimed at a lay audience. In the second chapter, "Your Child Can Change," he alludes to My Fair Lady to illustrate the point that one's expectations (such as parental expectations) lead to behavior patterns in others. Concrete examples to communicate positive expectations are given. For example, "Don't condone unacceptable behavior that you know your child can correct. …