Tips on How to Confront Others—When You Must

Abstract

Draw a cartoon of yourself in a confrontation. Has the blood rushed to your face or drained from it? Do your nostrils flare? Is your mouth narrow and tight? Are your hands curled into fists or arms crossed protectively across your chest? This exercise opened Erin Fischer's workshop “Building a Bridge in Stilettos” at the Women's Leadership Institute on Amelia Island FL in December. She is director of training services at The Leadership Institute: Women with Purpose, a non-profit organized by Alpha Gamma Delta to develop women leaders. The “bridge” concept refers to the need to bridge a potential threat to the relationship. Most women (and some men) hate to confront. We're people pleasers who avoid conflict, which makes us feel icky. We don't want to hurt feelings or be considered unkind. Thinking the situation will resolve itself or the student employee will graduate, we don't want to invest the time and energy. Confrontation is exhausting. But when a problem arises, a failure to confront can be costly. The offending person won't improve without feedback. The bad situation continues and snowballs. Other staff lose respect for the supervisor, whose blood pressure continues to rise. Hissy fits and tears of anger don't help. Knots in the stomach spoil the appetite. Shouting matches let off steam but rarely resolve a problem. Learning how to manage a confrontation can improve your relationships on and off campus. Fischer had participants complete an assessment form to identify their dominant confrontational styles, then gather in three different parts of the room according to style. She asked each group to write a one-sentence definition of their style, identify a well-known public figure who uses that style and offer tips for confronting someone who shares their style. When useful: This approach can be useful in an emergency, when a decision must be made quickly or when policy rules leave no room for negotiation or compromise. Tips for dealing with them: Be prepared, honest and direct. Recognize the time factors underlying a push for speed. Understand that people with this style have value and emotions, which they process internally rather than using words. When useful: This approach can help when emotions are running high and everyone needs a break. It helps to level the playing field when you have far more power in a situation than the person you're confronting. It also works well for minor issues that aren't worth the battle. Tips for dealing with them: Validate a reflexive person by your words and body language, acknowledging her feelings. Listen well. She may not want to be looked in the eye. When useful: Self-assured confrontation is appropriate in most day-to-day situations. Use it when you have experience with a topic and you are trying to coach others. Tips for dealing with them: Be action oriented, honest and concise. Bring a suggested plan but also an open mind, ready to finalize the solution together. Take responsibility for your actions. Effective confrontation builds a bridge between you and the other person, and to a better future in solving problems. Erin Fischer: efischer@tliwwp.org or 317-566-2159