How to Manage a Difficult Conversation

Abstract

Even as the boss, some conversations are just plain hard. Women can find it especially difficult to advocate for themselves or to bring up sensitive issues, whether it's with an employee, supervisor, peer or family member. At the Women's Leadership Institute on Amelia Island FL in December, Melanie Hawks of the University of Utah outlined how to get past the fear and make difficult conversations work for you. Putting off a loaded discussion on a touchy issue is perfectly normal. Avoidance doesn't mean you're a wimp, just cautious. Common reasons are: You don't need to have a conversation about everything that bugs you. Sometimes the risks are too great or the potential rewards too small. Don't bother if there's a better way to handle the problem (restructure the group?), you just need to vent (that's what friends are for) or you're hoping to change the other person (you can't). Don't bother if it's mostly about you, a behavior that pushes your buttons but does no larger harm. But some issues influence your ability to do your job or the team's capacity to pursue its mission. They have too much impact to let them slide. If you see a difficult conversation coming up, you have a choice. You can lie awake obsessing about it, or you can use your daytime hours to plan and rehearse. Being intentional carries more hope of positive results and a good night's sleep. Difficult conversations share four traits. The topic is hard to talk about, perceptions differ, the stakes are high and emotions run strong. It's hard to talk about. When an issue pushes our boundaries, we try to back away. “Lean into your discomfort,” Hawks said. Examine your feelings and motives. What makes the topic uncomfortable? If you're asking for a raise, are you uneasy talking about money or is it about inequity, or maybe a fear of being told you're not worthy? You don't want to jump in the middle of your discomfort, just identify it and lean in. Is there a little piece of the larger issue that you're comfortable with, a bit that you could bring up safely? Script the conversation and rehearse it with a friend. She rehearsed with someone from HR, and got feedback. Perceptions differ. Everyone has a story. In our effort to understand, we may make up a narrative for the other person that doesn't reflect her real story. The more you can understand and acknowledge the other person's story, the greater your hope of reaching a resolution. Accept that there will be some difference in your perspectives. “The goal is not to change the other person but to change behavior,” Hawks said. Separate facts from beliefs. You may never agree on the latter, but it's hard to argue with facts such as published salary data. Stakes are high. Hard as it is to bring up a difficult issue, it's even harder to do it so that everyone feels safe. Strive to preserve self-esteem for all. That means no guilt trips, no victim story and no victory dance when it's over. To avoid guilt and being victimized, think through what result you really want out of the conversation for yourself, for the other person and for the relationship. If your only purpose is to blow off steam, get a dog or a cat. Once you're clear on what you hope to achieve, you're in a position to look for mutual goals. Emotions run strong. Before the conversation begins, you need to master yourself. Wait until the heat of the moment has passed; speaking in anger will only raise the other person's defenses. Vent somewhere else, practice your script and cool off enough to listen as well as speak. Use care in selecting the time and place to talk. Be prepared for pushback and expect the unexpected. You can't change the another's emotions; you can manage only your own. Several good models have emerged for conducting conversations that matter. There are several sound reasons to choose one and apply it consistently. For you as an individual, a model provides a template so you don't have to keep reinventing the wheel. You can put your energy into substance instead of fretting over format. The models give you tools for planning, scripting and follow-up. If you're in a supervisory position or can influence decisions for your unit, see if there's budget to bring in a trainer as staff development. Orienting the whole group with one model will reduce ambiguity and increase consistency in expectations and documentation. Even if group training isn't practical, your consistency in approaching tough issues will be good for morale. In choosing a model, consider how it fits with the organizational culture and budget (formal training can be pricy). What level of structure and formality best suits your group? How well can it adapt to your situation? “I usually cobble several models together,” she acknowledged. She described three solid approaches: These models for crucial, fierce and difficult conversations have four features in common: 1. Describe the problem. The conversation begins with identifying the behavior and its results. Work this out in advance so the conversation does not become personal. Hawks suggested drawing up a sheet with Behavior on one side and Impact on the other. Note that there is no column for traits. Pushy and disrespectful does not belong here; better to write, Interrupts and rolls his eyes when I speak. “We need to break down their behavior into distinct parts. When we put labels on things, we end up disputing the labels,” she said. Keep the focus on the behavior and not the personality. You may find that making the chart is all you need to do. If you cannot identify an impact beyond reminds me of my bossy brother, you may not need a conversation after all. Making the chart allows you to see what changes of behavior you could request. It gives you the tool to say how such a change would make things better. When the conversation begins, describe the behavior and its impact without using labels. Avoid ranting and raving, when your voice gets higher, faster and louder. Calmly say, Your work that was due yesterday has not been completed, and that is keeping other people from meeting their timetables to bring the product out on schedule, notYou dropped the ball. 2. Explain what you want. Talk about what you would like to see in the future, preferably in the form of a positive action. When I am speaking, could you please wait for me to finish before you comment? If you disagree, could you please keep your face neutral and express your view in words after I am finished? Stay away from the past, which makes people feel chided. Keeping a positive focus on the future, you may be able to agree on a course of action that everyone can live with. 3. Listen actively. “You come in all scripted and organized and you run through your script, but there is another person who is feeling nervous and defensive,” Hawks said. “If you just want to have a one-way dump, then realize you're not having a conversation.” Active listening includes accepting the possibility that your viewpoint will be changed by what you hear. Perhaps the problem has a different solution from the one you brought to the table. Perhaps feeling heard will make the other person more willing to change. Perhaps by hearing each other you will arrive at mutual goals and a shared plan to achieve them. 4. Clarify the next steps. When is the conversation over? Before you're finished, make sure you both share the same understanding of what will happen next. Follow up may include putting it in writing. This could be in the form of a thank-you note for the meeting, summarizing the results. Don't copy the letter, memo or email to everyone unless there's a compelling reason to do so. Do keep a copy and place one in your personnel file if appropriate. Supervisors walk a fine line between giving orders and offering sympathetic support. Directive styles include deciding, assigning, monitoring and use of authority. Supportive styles include guiding, teaching, coaching, mentoring and empowering. When women are being directive they're viewed as bitchy, and when they're being supportive they're viewed as weak. Difficult conversations don't require you to choose. It's a false choice; you can be directive without being a jerk and supportive without being a wimp. Here's how: Clarify roles and limits. If you're the boss, own your authority without apology. Being a boss is different from being bossy. Define who is responsible for what. Lay out the limits—the musts or must-nots—and point out areas where the other person has the autonomy to make her own choices. Help, don't enable. State the goal or end product clearly; often the boss defines the goal and individual employees can decide how to achieve it. Provide the guidance and resources they need while leaving the responsibility where it belongs. Share data and reasoning. Jerks say it's my way or the highway. To give directions without being a jerk, explain your reasoning and the objective data that supports it. Why do you want this done in this particular way? As you listen to the other person, allow for the possibility that new data may change your point of view. Show warmth and empathy. Smile, listen and show you care. Use humor when you can. Show that you understand the other person's viewpoint, whether or not you agree with it. Pair empathy with detachment; don't let yourself get pulled into someone else's personal problems. Don't feel guilty about doing your job. Be patient. Take the time to answer questions. Allow people to learn by trial and error. If possible, be willing to flex your timetable a little to help the employee succeed. Promote learning. Emphasize what's going right. Don't punish mistakes or jump in too soon to prevent them. Let your staff learn from their errors and set their own corrective course. Rather than intervening the moment things start to go wrong, set your back-up plan: how far will you let it go and when will you intervene? Difficult conversations focus on how to make things go right. Preserving safety and self-esteem, they work toward possibilities that will meet everyone's needs and help everyone to grow. Melanie Hawks is the University of Utah library's learning and development coordinator. She leads workshops across the United States and Canada. Email her at melanie.hawks@utah.edu