Thinking About Our Work: When Partners Grow Apart

Abstract

Thinking About Our Work: When Partners Grow Apart Lee Kassan1 issn 0362-4021 © 2015 Eastern Group Psychotherapy Society group, Vol. 39, No. 4, Winter 2015 349 1 Editor, GROUP; Supervisor, Inter-Care Ltd.; Supervisor, Couple Therapy Program, Training Institute for Mental Health; and private practice. Correspondence should be addressed to Lee Kassan, 240 Madison Avenue, Suite 10J, New York, NY 10016. E-mail: leekassan@aol.com. Recently, two different patients asked me to recommend another therapist their partners could see for psychotherapy. I went through my files, and put a request on the professional list servers, and provided some names. The same week, a patient ’s partner, not in therapy, said that, although she was willing to come to couple therapy, she would not see a therapist individually, and this was clearly disappointing to her husband. As someone who sees both individuals and couples, over the years I’ve learned that, when new clients begin seeing me for therapy, I need to have some concern for and awareness of how the changes they will inevitably make in the course of treatment will affect the most intimate relationships in their lives. These changes are, of course, also the goal: to free people of old patterns and scripts and help them find and integrate new options and freedoms. But when the patient is half of a couple, these changes can be problematic. The problem of a gap between partners beginning and growing is often a consequence of treatment, but one rarely addressed in the professional literature. A person in therapy is actively trying to change old patterns of behavior and thought (whatever resistances he or she may encounter in the process). If the partner is not engaged in a similar journey of self-discovery, a gap may appear and then widen. It is typical of distressed couples that each partner blames the other for his or her problems, and this can be exacerbated when the one in treatment starts to feel more intact, more enlightened—just plain healthier. The selection of a partner (and the decision to get married) is a complicated one that takes place on many levels, some conscious and some not. As the person in therapy becomes more aware of the unconscious needs and motivations, and as 350 kassan he or she grows in the process of therapy, these old needs may change, diminish, or even disappear. This can seriously unbalance the relationship. If, for example, the motivation for marriage is a need to be taken care of by a spouse in a parental role, that need may disappear as the person in therapy works through old issues and becomes more adult and less dependent. Sometimes the partner is happy about, even excited by, the changes, by the new mood or spontaneity, or by the willingness to reveal that the patient brings home. But, at least as often, these changes are experienced as dangerous or challenging. They may threaten the unspoken contract that every couple makes: I will be this for you if you will be that for me. Sometimes, in the course of therapy, a person will outgrow the needs that were originally met in the relationship, and the implicit contract must be renegotiated. But because the other person’s needs are likely the same as before, a new agreement about how the relationship will work may be elusive or even impossible. Renegotiating the relationship agreement is part of couple therapy, but this becomes challenging if only one partner is in the office. Many couple difficulties start with problems in communication. When I see a couple, we can address these issues directly, and when I explain the guidelines I offer for emotional communication (what I call the “Rules of Engagement”), I can make sure that both partners practice, learn, and follow the new communication guidelines. Although it’s possible that one person in the relationship can break the old loops, it’s so much easier when both have that goal and conscious intention. When I begin seeing a couple together, to work on a particular issue, such as an affair, or a more general problem, such as their communication, the “treatment gap” is less of an issue, because...