Partner Selection, Power Dynamics, and Mutual Care Giving in Long-Term Self-Defined BDSM Couples

Abstract

Historically, writers from within and outside the BDSM/Leather community have argued that long-term BDSM relationships are likely to fail due to the incompatibility between satisfying SM and romantic affection (Townsend, 1972) and the unlikelihood of finding a perfect match of fetishes and interests (Money, 1986). The present study tested these arguments using in-depth interviews with 33 individuals in 17 long-term BDSM relationships. Qualitative and quantitative methods were used to understand the dynamics of the relationships including the ways the partners met, formed their relationship, negotiated the scope of their power exchange, and navigated the challenges of an unconventional relationship style. Compatibility regarding dominance and submission appeared more important than compatibility regarding sadism and masochism or specific BDSM activities. Power exchange appears to serve purposes beyond sexual satisfaction, including facilitating partner bonding and providing a sense of security. Key relationship values that emerged across couples include a commitment to communication and transparency, a high level of trust, a focus on the partner’s happiness, and the co-construction of a reality that satisfies the needs of both partners. The use of rituals and protocol in difficult times returned the partners to a state of connection to each other, and this re-established bond helped the partners resolve the present upset. The use of deeper protocol when issues arise is contrary to prevailing community rhetoric that advises dropping out of role to solve issues. Thus, rituals give these individuals a different, possibly safer, way to interact so that conflict doesn’t damage their relationships. Results demonstrate that long-term BDSM relationships exist and can be highly functional.