Navigating Desire in an Open Relationship

Abstract

This essay presents an autoethnography of a gay man’s experiences in an open relationship. While one’s relationship with their partner is the primary way in which one experiences and lives one’s sexuality, in an open relationship one can also form connections with others. This essay examines the ways in which the author—being a gay man in an open relationship—navigates their desire within and beyond their relationship that involves interactions with other gay men. While relationships may be founded on a commitment, they remain subject to the changes in lived reality. As such, this essay traces the trajectory of the author’s relationship in a period in which it underwent some major changes—from live-in to long distance, from a closed relationship to an open one, leading finally to counseling sessions with a therapist. The status of one’s relationship has a direct bearing on the interactions—romantic, non-romantic, social, or fleeting, that one has with other people. In the heteronormative scheme of things, the constant shifts in one’s relationship and their interactions with other people would be construed as a lack of stability and certainty. However, the author argues that these very shifts characterize the inherent queerness of their relationship, which is driven as much by their commitment to their partner as by the desire to have sexual interactions with others and indulge in experiences that are capable of jeopardizing the relationship altogether. The author posits that the “instability” in their relationship(s) be read as the conflict between the affective nature of queerness and the constraints posed by the heteronormative world.