Abstract
Two major features of emotions are their personal, interested nature and the centrality of the self-other relation. There seems to be a built-in tension between the two: this is evident, for example, in negative emotions such as envy and hate, where one person has a significant negative attitude toward another. This tension is also obvious in positive emotions, such as schadenfreude, where an individual is pleased about the other’s misfortune. Such tension may even be greater in romantic love, where the lover should give special attention and status to the beloved. The tension gains further momentum when we assume that self-fulfillment is an essential feature of romantic relationships. Indeed, it seems that in many low-quality romantic relations, the tension between self-fulfillment and the needs of the beloved is real and toxic. However, in enduring profound love, which involves the personal growth of each partner, self-fulfillment is not egoistic, and the tension drives mutual thriving.
Highlights
Two major features of emotions are their personal, interested nature and the centrality of the self-other relation
The tension gains further momentum when we assume that self-fulfillment is an essential feature of romantic relationships
I begin examining the self-other tension in romantic love by briefly describing a few major philosophical models of romantic love that have different approaches to the self-other relation: (a) The fusion mode, which assumes that the self and the other are fused together in profound romantic love; (b) The care model, which emphasizes the importance of the other in love; (c) The dialogue model, which sees the essence of love in the connection between the two lovers
Summary
I have argued that emotions typically occur when we perceive positive or negative significant changes in our personal situation—or in that of those related to us. Since emotions are about oneself, and about others who relate to one—family, friends, people in one’s country—the personal nature of emotions is not necessarily egoistic. This idea is endorsed by Martha Nussbaum, for example, who argues that the personal nature of emotions does not make them egoistic (2001, 53). In addition to their personal nature, the pivotal role of the self-other relation is further significant characteristic of emotions. We may feel anger toward our car (Ben-Ze’ev, 2000, 29-31)
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