A theoretical description of biexcitons in metal halide perovskite nanoplatelets is presented. The description is based on a variational effective mass model, including polaronic effects by means of a Haken potential. The strong quantum and dielectric confinements are shown to squeeze the biexciton under the polaronic radius, which greatly enhances Coulomb attractions and (to a lesser extent) repulsions. This explains the need for effective dielectric constants approaching the high-frequency limit in previous simulations, and the binding energies exceeding 40 meV observed in single-monolayer nanoplatelets. Biexcitons are formed by a pair of weakly interacting excitons, with a roughly rectangular geometry. This translates into a constant ratio between biexciton and exciton binding energies (2D Haynes rule) well below the ideal value of ΔBX/ΔX = 0.228 proposed for squared biexcitons. The ratio is independent of the number of monolayers in the platelet, but it does depend on the lateral and dielectric confinement.