When work and home collide: A personal reflection of miscarriage and loss.

Abstract

Since I can remember it was my dream to work in Paediatrics. Decades of hard work later and I am several years into my specialty training. I'm feeling lucky, all has gone relatively to plan. I have completed my exams and feel prepared to start on my ‘other’ dream of raising a family. I do not envisage this being easy, but I do imagine it slotting in alongside my career aspirations. If only life were so simple. Three miscarriages later and my expectations have been thoroughly shattered. I have been through the ups and downs that many will have experienced following miscarriage and loss. Despite my medical knowledge, I never thought it would happen to me. I feel sure that it will be of no surprise to you that this has had a significant impact on my physical and mental health. More surprising for me has been the impact on my day-to-day working life. Within Paediatrics, it is taken for granted that we enjoy being around children and that many of us will hope for our own. Somehow, it had never occurred to me how consuming and personal this could become until I experienced my own difficulties. My mind could concentrate when managing a sick patient, focusing on guidelines and ABCs (a mnemonic used in resuscitation: Airway, Breathing, Circulation). However, it spiralled when faced with questions and remarks such as: ‘do you have any children?’ or ‘you're lucky not to have children to deal with in the holidays’. These daily ‘throw away’ comments became hurtful and insulting. I wanted to scream that I have had three babies, but of course, the societal expectation when someone has no living children is to say you have none, unless you feel willing and able to go into the details. I hope that the silver lining from my losses will be that I have gained a greater awareness of the difficulties experienced by so many in relation to pregnancy. This is something that should unite and strengthen our understanding of each other, rather than leave us feeling alienated and alone. I have been extremely lucky with the support I have received from colleagues, as well as counselling. I am slowly accepting that I am having to make quite a lot of adjustments to my working life and training progression as I continue this unexpected journey. This has been tough and it is an ongoing battle to work out what is ‘best’. At times, not being able to fulfil my role as a Paediatrician has also contributed to a sense of a loss; our profession is an important part of our identity. What I have learned is that it is impossible to compartmentalise our lives. Each of us has a life outside of work that will impact us on a daily basis. The colleagues who have continued to work alongside me and accepted my situation without judgement have been an immense help. This is not easily achieved in a busy and pressured working environment, but we owe it to each other to try and see past our own stresses and goals. At the end of the day, few of us will escape without any scrapes or collisions as we navigate between work and home. If we can learn to be compassionate to ourselves and to each other that will benefit us all. Links to further information on miscarriage and support: Tommy's: https://www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support/miscarriage-information-and-support Miscarriage Association: https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/information/