When a Spouse Comes Out: Impact on the Heterosexual Partner

Abstract

When a spouse comes out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, the disclosure is a family matter. However, the impact on the heterosexual partner is usually overlooked. Most cope alone, though some find peer support. The most common issues faced are sexual rejection, challenge to the marriage, concern for their children, and crises of identity, integrity, and belief system. Resolving the most unique of these (sexuality, identity, integrity, and belief system) typically takes from three to six years as the straight spouses move from shock and confusion to accept reality, heal, reconfigure their identity, moral compass, and belief system; and, finally, to transform their lives, whether or not they stay married. About a third of couples break up within the first year of disclosure; another third stay together for about two years before separating; and a third commit to staying married, half of whom remain together for three or more years. Knowing spouses' issues and stages of coping helps therapists work with them, especially those overwhelmed by anger, fear, anger, pain, or low self-esteem. Sexual addiction of some disclosing partners magnifies the impact of disclosure, and co-addiction or codependency problems of some heterosexual spouses further complicate the resolution process. To help spouses resolve disclosure issues constructively, any addiction and, if present, codependency or co-addiction problems need to be addressed first.