What the #@!* are they Fighting About?!?: Reflections on Fairness, Identity, Social Capital, and Peacemaking in Family Conflicts

Abstract

Peacemaking is particularly challenging in family conflicts. Deeply held feelings about identity, fair treatment, moral issues, and protecting social capital often cause people in conflict to make self‐defeating decisions. There are, however, techniques that enable mediators, Collaborative Practice professionals, and other peacemakers to overcome the settlement barriers created by these strongly held views. These techniques include those pioneered by psychotherapists using the Internal Family Systems model, which enables parties to see that their strongly held views comprise only part of the constellation of feelings that they have about the conflict. Key Points for the Family Court Community: Parents who feel that their role as father or mother is in danger often find it difficult to focus on the children's best interests. The “rule of reciprocity” causes people who feel wronged to exact even harsher punishment on those who harmed them. The concept of “social capital” explains why people care so passionately about whether they are treated fairly and about their reputation for fairness. The Internal Family Systems model helps peacemakers to understand how to work with the parties’ ambivalence about settlement versus courtroom vindication.