What Are you?

Abstract

What Are you? Sammee James (bio) What are you? I have spent most of my life being bombarded by people asking about my heritage, experience, credentials, and skills. I have spent thirty-one years on this planet having to prove my worth every day due to the color of my skin and my feminine appearance. I grew up introducing myself as, “My father was Black and my mother was white.” I described myself as caramel, coffee with cream, or a swirl cone to help give everyone the whole picture of living in between two worlds. Being mixed wasn’t a common thing when I was a child so I became an outcast that found solace in being alone so I wouldn’t feel the rejection of losing another friend due to parts of myself I had no control over. I am the light that warms your soul while you sleep in the soft green grass. I am your favorite song at the end of a long, and tiresome day. I am the cool breeze that brings life to a wind chime. I am the perfect swirl ice cream cone on a hot summer night. I spent most of my energy, as a teen, trying to fit in and ever changing my identity in an attempt to be accepted. I have fit myself in every box I have been forced in and have learned to adapt on the spot. Through every personality I showed, I never let myself love. I didn’t think anyone would love someone who didn’t know who they were. I was just a vessel for everyone to use until I finally found myself. I was the sassy, Black friend you saw on TV. I was the drama queen on and off the stage. I was the bolstering{~?~KB: AU: Did you mean “boisterious”?}, loud gal pal that could party with the boys. I accepted every name and label my friends and family put on me because they know me best, right? I am a tight hug that holds you up when nothing makes sense. I am the passion that rings in your ears while your dreams manifest into reality. [End Page 136] I am laughter that vibrates every bone. I came out twice as an adult. I felt supported and comfortable enough to let the world know “I am a proud bisexual!” at twenty. It took almost another ten years to come out as nonbinary. I had to fight the constant negative thoughts that if I was true to myself, no one would love me. I feared having too many differences from the norm to be accepted by friends and family. I hid behind descriptors like “one of the guys” and a tom girl {~?~KB: AU: Tomboy?}to hint that I wasn’t exactly a woman. I was inspired by peers who were their pure self with such confidence and grace. I wanted to shine as bright as them! I slowly chose outfits and styles that would fit my mood that day rather than my gender. I became an art piece that surprised even myself. I gave myself space to experience the mysterious in-between of what society tells us without the shame I was familiar with. I hoped one day, someone would look at me and be inspired. I am the roar of the crowd celebrating you. I am the sigh of relief when you are able to truly smile again. I am the future where hope thrives and love is the universal language. I am the dream of my past, the progress of my present, and the hope for my future. I was taught by society to apologize for my existence. I was shown that being different made you unloveable. I am now living proof that you can be who you are deep down and that freedom will open all the doors of love and acceptance. I live as an example of telling yourself yes after decades of no and the feeling of relief that overwhelms your very soul. Life wasn’t easy for me but I am grateful for the journey, I can love and forgive myself. I can smile through the toughest...