Toward a Feminist Theory of Letting Go

Abstract

During an interview on NPR’s All Things Considered David Greene asked Brian Henneman of the band The Bottle Rockets, “You’ve played with some pretty big names . . . you guys have become big. [But] you’re not as commercial . . . as big as Wilco. . . . I mean, what takes you to the next level?” Henneman laughed and replied, “It’s too late to go to the next level. We’re too comfortable where we’re at. Why would we want to move now if everything will just be more of a pain in the butt? So, yeah . . . this is a real awesome comfortable place, and we like it. And by golly, that’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.” Setting aside the self-conscious coda, what strikes me about this exchange is Henneman’s genuine satisfaction with his band’s level of success. You can hear it in his voice: he means it. He is okay exactly where he is, with his band and in his life. He does not want to get to the top; he does not have to be the best. In fact, he foresees only headaches (or worse) lying in wait should he strive for bigger commercial success. Surely Henneman’s social position—as a middle-aged working-class musician from the Midwest, fronting a band that has played mostly in bars for over twenty years—has shaped his aspirational goals. I fi nd it refreshing, nonetheless, to hear him say out loud and proud, “No thanks. I don’t need to reach the top. I’m okay exactly where I am.” But then there is that conditional addendum, with its self-deprecating, defensive posturing, undercutting the message that good-enough is fi ne and implying instead that one must justify, explain, or make excuses for being satisfi ed with one’s life as it is. In this paper I question the core American imperative that says we must endlessly strive to be the best. My interest in this issue is both intellectual and personal. Like many women I struggle to balance work life, home life, professional pursuits, creative endeavors, self-defi nition, and cultural mandates. I ask: Does feminism provide theoretical supports for women who want to (or must) slow down, grow quiet, and let go of striving? Can one be simultane-