Tips to Start and Continue a Conversation

Abstract

The average adult reports being listened to less than 10 minutes a week. Think about all the important information that goes unheard, the relationships that dissolve, the careers that implode all because we weren't really listening to what others were trying to tell us. Throughout her career, Dr. Mary Beth Lehmanowsky has experienced firsthand the importance of listening. “I've found that throughout every job I've had, it's the relationships that count,” she said. Lehmanowsky teaches graduate students pursuing administrative certification at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, where she earned her PhD. Before that, she spent 38 years in the Lincoln public schools as a high school teacher, counselor, assistant principal, principal and supervisor of secondary education personnel services. Lehmanowsky spoke about the behaviors that encourage and discourage conversations at the University of Nebraska conference on Women in Educational Leadership held in Lincoln in October 2012. Some 25 years ago, the Gallup Organization asked people about quality listening time. The 10-minutes-a-week statistic came from that poll. That was long before the advent of smartphones, tablets, streaming and on-demand. How does today's technology change this figure? Although there's no new data, the supposition is that the 10 minutes has become significantly less. While most women, who prize relationships, usually succeed at conversations, some behaviors can stop a conversation in its tracks. Do you recognize any of these typical conversation types? Their questions don't flow. They're asked in the heat of emotion. Most are closed questions so the parents only get a one-word response. If they even get their children's attention away from Facebook, texting or iPods, these parents don't know the correct way to start a conversation much less keep it going. They're clueless as to how a conversation hangs together. A caring conversation chain begins with a question that allows the listener to respond and give free information. The next question is built on their response. A conversation chain generally starts with a “how” or “why” question, which will bring more open rather than closed answers. Questions that are conversation chain stoppers often begin with the words “do,” “will,” “could,” or “would.” Because those chain stoppers require only a one-word response, they won't create authentic conversations. Trying to elicit more information by following up with “why” question could cause defensiveness or be seen as an attack. It's also hard to rephrase a closed question to bring more clarity or to elicit more information. Although some conversation starters like “Tell me about …” are open ended, they may come across as a command. Sensitive types may shut down in the face of such a demand. Want to see how you stack up in conversations? She had participants try this technique with a partner: One partner made a brief statement on a topic of her interest. The other's job was to continue the conversation for three minutes by asking questions. Those who asked a closed question had to give the partner a piece of candy corn (it was Halloween). If all of her questions were open, she got to keep her candy. After three minutes, the partners switched roles. Even if your partner's interest is deadly dull or unique, this technique will work. (The editor's partner's interest was dressing up her wiener dogs in costumes and keeping their photos on her iPhone). “You don't have to be interested in other's interests if you care about them as people,” said Lehmanowsky. One way of creating a successful conversation is to give people the opportunity to talk about themselves. This includes those whom you think you know the best. We ask the fewest open-ended questions with the people we are closest to. We're accustomed to using shorthand with them and make assumptions rather than actually listening to what they say. We think we know them so well that we can predict their answers. By making that assumption, we dismiss their responses when we really should be listening. If you don't care, don't ask. Perhaps if more of us choose to take the time to really listen, problems that once seemed intractable can finally be solved. Can you hear me? Can you hear me NOW? Contact: Lehmanowsky@gmail.com