“Till Death Do Us Part”?: Buddhist Insights on Christian Marriage

Abstract

High divorce rates and declining marriage rates in Western societies draw attention of many scholars to fragility of contemporary marriages.1 Rampant individualism, permissive divorce law, and softening stance on divorce by mainstream Christian denominations are all listed as culprits responsible for current marriage crisis.2 These conventional accounts, however, overlook important insights gathered by historians of marriage, insights that point to a dramatic shift in concept of marriage that occurred more than two hundred years ago. According to Stephanie Coontz, the invention of historically unprecedented idea that marriage should be based on love and mutual affection 3 is responsible for greater fragility, but also for creating good, satisfying marriages that bring much happiness to people's lives.4 Thus, very source of fragility (the search for love and mutual affection) is also a source of deep connections and lasting relationships. While fragility accompanying contemporary marriage is here to stay, our efforts to build strong unions need to be carefully evaluated. In what follows, I will address Christian and Buddhist approaches that aim at protecting stability of marriage. To strengthen marriage, Christianity, from early on, focused on permanence of marriage whether understood as a sacrament or, later on, as a covenant. Christian wedding vows that promise love, care, and enduring partnership till death do us part capture well prevailing theology of Christian marriage. In contrast, Buddhism employs a concept of impermanence that implies an ever-changing reality that warrants no finality. Recent studies in psychology of mindfulness meditation show that such Buddhist concepts can translate well into effective skills for those in loving relationships. I will suggest that Christian theology might become more successful at preserving stability of marriage by becoming less focused on finality of couples' bonds, and instead attending to present reality of couples' relationships. It is well documented that before seventeenth century marriages were arranged by parents and fulfilled primarily political, economic, and social functions rather than individual needs. Marriage was seen as a means of enlarging one's economic enterprise, acquiring powerful in-laws, strengthening military alliances, or (for less