Thrice the Pain

Abstract

Thrice the Pain Taylor McIntyre Like most girls do, I grew up dreaming about becoming a mom, baby names, pregnancy, and starting my own family with a handsome man. Well, that day came a little bit sooner than expected. I was a 19-year-old college freshman when I took my first-ever pregnancy test. I about fell over when I saw those two pink lines, and boy was I scared—scared to tell my boyfriend and parents; scared about how a baby would change everything about my education and career path; scared about how it would affect my friendships. But mostly, I was excited. I was the oldest of 4 kids and had helped raise my three younger brothers. I could do this! A baby of my own would be magical! I told my boyfriend, and while he shed a few tears out of fear, he was excited too, and we decided to get married! While initially shocked and a bit disappointed in my actions, my parents got past that and were already looking forward to their first grandchild. With all that out of the way, the next stop was our first doctors appointment! I was 9-weeks by the time I got in, and I was so thrilled to check on my tiny babe. After all the normal exams that get pretty personal, it was time to use the doppler to check on the heartbeat! The doctor looked and looked all over my belly, but the only heartbeat we could hear was my own. This scared me but the doctor assured me that it was still early and there was no reason to be alarmed; we'd hear it next time. So I tried not to worry and went on with life. I spent most nights dreaming of my baby and most every day planning our future. At 13 weeks, I went back to my OBGYN for our next appointment, and of course I couldn't wait to hear that heartbeat finally. Once again, no dice. No matter how long he searched, he could not find the heartbeat. I thought for sure we would do an ultrasound to check everything out, but no—the doctor said that sometimes based on the location of the placenta and other variables, it could just be difficult to hear, and we'd for sure hear it next time. I was so young. I just didn't know enough to recognize that something was really wrong. I tried to lock away my anxiety and looked forward to the next appointment because I knew at that point we'd be getting close to halfway through and finding out the gender of our sweet baby. While we'd already sent out invitations for the wedding, I was 15 weeks and 6 days pregnant when my boyfriend got down on one knee with a ring and officially proposed! It was such a special night until I felt a gush of fluid suddenly run down my legs. What in the world?! Honestly, I thought I might have peed my pants. We laughed and I headed to the bathroom to check it out. I was a bit surprised to find a thick, yolk, yellow fluid in my pants. I freaked out and we headed straight to the emergency room. I suffer from pretty severe anxiety. My teeth chattered and I shook the whole way there. They tested the fluid to see if it was amniotic fluid and it wasn't. They told me they were going to do an ultrasound. They hid the screen from me during the exam and told me that a doctor would be in to tell me the results. A female doctor came in with heartbreaking news. She told me that my pregnancy was a blighted ovum. I struggled to understand what she was saying as I tried to internally process that I wasn't going to be having my baby. She said that my body had tricked itself into growing an empty yolk sac and that it had actually stopped growing around 11.5 weeks. Now my body was going to go through the process of expelling all of that from my uterus...