The subjectivity of the mother in the mother–son relationship. Attachment, separation, and autonomy

Abstract

Margaret Mahler and John Bowlby's positions are crucial in understanding the tensions that can arise in mother–son relationships. A more recent development of a systems view illuminates the co-construction of this relationship that occurs mainly out of awareness. A systems model of development that describes the co-construction and bi-directional influence between mothers and sons will be used in this paper. The often-neglected subjectivity of the mother is the focus, and the relationship between the mother and her adult son is viewed as a process whereby all participants strive to achieve a balance among attachment, separation, and autonomy. In addition, the contributions of the mother and the impact on her of the son's difficulties in attachment, separation, and autonomy are highlighted. In a case illustration, the subjectivity of the mother in relation to her son is explicated, showing how the son distances himself from his mother and why themother is at a loss to understand how and why this has occurred. The mother's perspective was dominated by anger and disappointment toward her son as well as by self-blame and self-justification. As a result of psychotherapy, the mother was enabled to come to terms with the estrangement of her son.