The lecture from hell.

Abstract

During the last 10 years of full-time CAM research, I have given about 300 lectures. Thus, I have certainly made every mistake there is, and consider myself qualified to write this personal account on how to deliver a truly poor lecture. I do this in the hope that others might learn from my imperfection. In preparing for the big day, it is best to be cool and leave things to the last minute. You are so gifted and competent that a few scribbles made on the way to the venue will easily suffice for fascinating your audience. Don’t bother enquiring who they are; what you have to say will capture the attention of a lay audience as much as that of a highly specialised one. The kind people who have invited you will certainly have suggested a topic. Don’t get irritated by that; you know best what you can and want to talk about and, after all, it is always best to stick to what you know. If your subject is palliative cancer care, for instance, it should not be too difficult, after a few introductory sentences, to shift the attention to the most revealing survey you conducted on 10 back pain patients 25 years agoFcancer patients suffer from back pain too! From the outset, you need to show the audience that you are better than they are. A good way of achieving this aim is to display your knowledge of as many acronyms as possible. Making abundant use of abbreviations has the added advantage that it could hide a few glitches in your arguments. People might even think you are talking about palliative care after all. Another golden rule is never produce evidence for your statements. Some people use visual aids to produce the evidence, but this is both tiring and confusing (and it would, of course, require much more preparation than you allowed for). If you want to use visual aids, use photographs of your kids (pets if you are childless) or your last holiday destination. This will add the personal touch that people crave. Surely, if they had wanted evidence they would have gone to a library, not to your lecture. It is advisable to spend as much time as possible with lengthy preliminaries, particularly if you are not really covering the subject as printed in the programme. Mention that you first met Cathy (who just introduced you) when you were both in nursery and give a full and colourful account of your relationship since then. If you haven’t actually been to nursery with Cathy, perhaps you could talk about the car accident you saw en route and what it made you think of. Or you could take the holistic approach, ask everyone to stand up, do a few relaxation exercises and feel the flow of energy in the body, room or universe. The obvious aim is to leave as little time as possible for the proper lecture. Thus, you can pretend to know much more about your subject than you had time to disclose and you can end your unfinished lecture with the upbeat exclamation ‘‘y.ah! perhaps another timey’’. Most lecturers find the ensuing discussion period the most challenging part of their task. Not you! First, you have wisely ensured that there is no time left. Thus, the discussion slot will either be completely cancelled or it will be refreshingly brief. When the first difficult question comes your way, remember the important principle: you are so much cleverer than anyone else in this roomFand show it! Arrogance has always been a perfect shield for hiding ARTICLE IN PRESS