The Hurt Partner and the Unfaithful Partner: Emotions, Beliefs, Decisions

Abstract

The Hurt Partner and the Unfaithful Partner: Emotions, Beliefs, Decisions J. A Spring, & M. Spring, NY: HarperCollins (1996). $23.00 (hardback). In the acknowledgments at the beginning of the book, the authors state that they had discovered through conducting workshops for couples that there was a need for information and treatment targeted at solving problems arising from extramarital affairs, but in attempting to gain support for writing this book friends and publishers expressed mixed reactions to the idea. "Friends said, 'How exciting. Let's have a party.' Acquaintances said, 'Thank God this has nothing to do with me.' Publishers and editors said, 'Yes, there's definitely a need for such a book, but will anyone be brave enough to pick it up and bring it to the cashier?' (p. IX). Dr. J. Spring states, "While I was looking for an editor, I found that more than one was afraid to touch it for fear that it would stir up problems in their relationships. 'I have a good marriage,' one editor told me'" (p. IX). After twenty years of experience as a marriage and family therapist, I had similar mixed reactions to reading the book for review purposes. My own ambivalence stems from numerous therapy sessions in which clients revealed and attempted to work through the intense feelings, thoughts, and relationship consequences surrounding infidelity. It certainly ranks near the top of the list of reasons given for relationship termination. Mostly, however, I was initially put off by the title which gives the impression that the author has taken sides before the discussion has even begun: Better fix the relationship. There is no doubt that Spring and Spring intend to warn couples that a decision to divorce made hastily after the revelation of one partner's unfaithfulness can be very tragic and that the trauma can potentially transform a relationship into something much more complex and beneficial than the couple has before experienced. However, the authors also delineate various possible choices available to couples who are facing this dilemma. In fact, the first half of the book is devoted to helping the "hurt partner" and the "unfaithful partner" to identify and examine their own emotions, beliefs about love and marriage, and past relationship patterns in order to learn from affair. The book is divided into three stages: 1) Reacting to the Affair: "Is What I'm Feeling Normal?" 2) Reviewing Your Options: "Should I Stay or Leave?" 3) Recovering from the Affair: "How Do We Rebuild Our Life Together?" In Stage One, Spring and Spring list nine losses that the hurt partner may experience upon learning of their loved one's unfaithfulness. These losses include a loss of: identity, sense of specialness, self- respect for debasing yourself to win the partner back, self-respect for failing to acknowledge that you were wronged, control over your thoughts and actions, fundamental sense of order and justice in the world, religious faith, connection with other, sense of purpose, and the will to live. Common compulsive behaviors (endlessly searching for clues about the details of the affair or new evidence of continuing deceit) are described and injuries to the self structure suggested. Spring and Spring state that infidelity is experienced as emotionally "shattering," "disorienting," and 'profound" for the hurt partner because the revelation poses an unavoidable assault to the sense of self. The unfaithful partner is more likely to experience intense and contradictory feelings which may include feelings of: relief, impatience, chronic anxiety, justified anger, absence of guilt, guilt over the children, isolation, hopelessness, paralysis, and selfdisgust. Each of these possible reactions is described in emotional terms while the associated beliefs that. Spring and Spring assert underlie these emotions are spelled out. Dr. J. Spring gives numerous excellent examples from her private practice that demonstrate the points that are presented. …