The Good, the Bad and the Boring: Narcissism and the Rejection of the ‘Nice but Boring’ Relationship

Abstract

Rejection of the ‘nice but boring’ relationship is discussed in relation to narcissism. The ‘nice but boring object’ (NBBO) is linked to the patient's earlier experiences of a sterile or depressed relationship with an unavailable primary care giver. This is discussed with regard to Green's concept of ‘the dead mother’ (Green, 1983) and the impact this has on the development of the infant's ‘unit status’ (Winnicott, 1960). The re‐awakening of ‘the dead mother’ experience is evoked both in the relationship with the NBBO and also with the introjected depressed mother that the patient has internalized. In order to avoid the dangerous, suffocating deadness of the dead mother the patient seeks out relationships which are full of energy and lively, even if this exciting object leaves them feeling insecure or in other ways is felt as bad for them. The lure of the exciting bad object is heavily influenced by the need to flee the NBBO who evokes the unconscious stifling experience of ‘the dead mother’. This dynamic is then referenced to the patient's narcissism, their fear of dependency, their sensitivity to feeling wounded and the difficulty with establishing intimate relationships. Two clinical examples illustrate these issues.‘Dear Brack, you can't imagine how bored I'm going to be here.’ Hedda Gabler, Act Two, by Henrik Ibsen‘The heaviest burden for a talky manIs silence; everywhere he goes he talksAnd is a bore, disliked by all. To sitWith him at dinner is like being jailed.' Theognis, Elegies