The Eccollegey of the Phuddypushmipullyu

Abstract

PHUDDYPUSHMIPULLYU AMERICANUS is One of the most appealing species in academic zoology. Its three sensitive, intelligent heads, its six sturdy, hard working legs, and its constant eager efforts to run for ward in three directions at once, quickly engage the at tention of eccollegists. Then they all too often find that, despite its beauty, strength, and energy, Phuddypush mipullyu is a triple headache?to its sponsor because it does not finish its degree, to its chairman because it does not know how to teach, and to its mate because if it is denied tenure the manager is left even barer than it usu ally is on an instructor's salary. Phuddypushmipullyu, being a tender-hearted beast unwilling to give pain, fre quently responds with a tricephalous migraine of its own which inhibits its functions still farther. Often at tributed to individual failures of adaptation, this condi tion is far more often caused by ecological imbalances which are slowly but surely driving the creature toward extinction. Phuddypushmipullyu is a tricephalous, sesquipedal ian ruminant, evolved by natural selection and skillful hybridization from the lordly stag (native to Germany), the noble unicorn (indigenous to the British Isles), and the common American workhorse. Vestiges of its or igins include certain bumps about the forehead (rem nants of horns, although supposed by many laymen to be produced by deep thought) and its temperament, al ternatively imperious and docile (each usually dominant when the other would be more appropriate.) It may be of either sex, though heretofore males have heavily pre dominated over females. Unlike some of its precursors, it expects to take a mate and rear offspring; indeed, some eccollegists believe that its eagerness to do so be fore its capacity to forage for them is fully developed is responsible for much of its misery. Most Phuddy push mipullyu prefer to mate with a related unicephalous ruminant, understandably seeking one with well-de veloped and thoroughly trained foraging instincts, but it is by no means unknown and entirely natural for Phuddypushmipullyu to mate with each other. There is as yet insufficient evidence to determine whether these unions, in an entirely different dimension from the usual kind, represent a fertile evolutionary advance or a ster ile dead end. A glance at the anatomy of Phuddypushmipullyu shows that its three cephalic extremities (hereafter designated phuddy, pushmi and puttyu) are relatively independent and a headache in one need not be, though it often is, communicated to the other two. Each head has a separate ruminative system, which requires a par ticular sort of nourishment, operates on its own cycle and produces its own secretion, but all the organs of rumination are intimately associated and a disturbance in one inevitably puts the others off their feed. Phuddy*s diet is fibrous leaves of cut-and-dried facts bound into compact bundles which are preserved in widely scat tered special repositories. They are exceedingly difficult to digest, requiring repeated leisurely rumination; if the creature attempts to assimilate hastily or insuffi ciently chewed cuds, it may regurgitate or even choke to death. Phuddy secretes small, highly concentrated drops of the milk of pure scholarship. While phuddy re-searches for dry leaves, pushmi browses on fresh ivy. Ivy is common and abundant; pushmi from eating too much too fast far more often contracts indigestion than malnutrition, to which phuddy is subject. Most varieties of ivy, however, require pains taking cultivation, and pushmi soon learns that the skills of ivicuHure must be acquired by the experience of several seasons and by extensive rumination which often runs directly contrary to that required by phuddy. Pushmi secretes spiritual milk for babes, a nutrient es sential to the growth of green, succulent ivy. Meanwhile, pullyu requires daily a generous portion of grain, mingled to suit its individual taste and admin istered with tender loving care. Some pullyu manage to grow and thresh their own grain?or buy it ready mixed at the supermarket, but most of them prefer to delegate this chore to their mates. Phuddypushmipullyu9s mate is usually an adaptable creature who can live on almost any kind of grain, but dry leaves and ivy are sel dom to her taste (unless she is herself a Phuddypushmi pullyu, in which case she often provides her own). In addition, however, she requires a certain amount of pullyu's secreti?n, the milk of human kindness. A mate deprived of her share of this nutrient eventually be comes unable to forage for pullyu or for their offspriing, who require a regular supply of the same nutrient for steady and well rounded growth. 44