The couple, the self, and the problem of the other

Abstract

Using a Winnicottian frame, the author explores the difficulties that are inherent within couple relationships of truly allowing the other to be a separate self, that is, truly “other”, but in relation. Winnicott proposed that the most dangerous exposed moment was the establishment of the self—”I am” and “you are”. Referring to poetry and song, the author examines the regressive pull to unity and sameness which can be a place of rest and restoration, or an enchained place of stifling identity, insulated from the nourishing replenishment of difference.