Sciagra™

Abstract

What is it? Sciagra™ is a psychologically self-administered drug that acts on grammar and vocabulary in scientific papers with the aim of improving performance, or at least convincing the user that it does. How widespread is its use? It's almost impossible to avoid in impact factor zones above 8. Some disciplines even have their own compounds. Psyagra™ and Genagra™ are particularly dangerous new ‘society’ versions, especially potent and unfortunately accessible to journalists who have to write “It's the Brain wot does it!” or “Scientists produce creature that is half human, half grant reviewer” stories to tight deadlines. How do I recognise its use by others? The symptoms are easy to spot. A user will always tell you the impact factor of the journal rather than what the paper is about. They will display an intensity unrelated to the importance of the finding and an inability to cite anything published before 1999. They frequently meet rejection of a paper with a complaint to the editor, and seasoned users may even make unsolicited phone calls to editors to make their complaint. Are there any beneficial side effects? In the short term, yes. Some people will be impressed by your recent performance, or rather where you performed, but they will expect the same next time, so the pressure to keep taking it increases. Who discovered Sciagra™? Weak forms have always been around but often they were limited to occasions when the stakes were high or the rivalry was personal (for example, Golgi versus Cajal). The widespread modern compound has only emerged since citations and impact factors became analogues of sales figures and stock values. What are the early signs of use? There are no early signs. There are only obvious signs common to all long-term users. What can be spotted is the transition from non-user to addict (one episode is sufficient for diagnosis). For example, an early draft of a manuscript may read “We replicated and extended a classic finding within an established theoretical framework…”; a later Sciagra™-influenced draft, however, would translate this to “We show for the first time… and provide a novel explanation for…” Can Sciagra™ be taken as part of a career cocktail? Yes. In fact prolonged use of Sciagra™ can also lead to dependence on impact factors and of course the big “H” (paradoxically and dangerously a little “h”). In fact any h-index addicts should be referred to a Sciagra™ counsellor as this is probably the origin of the problem. Can its use be prevented? It's up to us really. Scientific parenting is important. Do supervisors know where their students are publishing at night? Do supervisors do an adverb and superlative check on every manuscript — “it's completely vital that they perform this most critical of functions.” Do supervisors tell their students that it's OK to publish in a journal that has “International” in its title? There is also talk of an anti-doping service which will rewrite Sciagra™ influenced papers in plain English. What can I say to users? Well, we all like a party and have dabbled in substances that may not enhance our dignity, so righteousness is probably not the correct response. The most therapeutically effective response to Sciagra™ users is: “yes, the journal is highly cited, but don't worry, your paper won't change that”. Where can I find out more? Call me, I know a cheap dealer outside the EU.