Rethinking Relationships between Divorced Mothers and Their Children: Capitalizing on Family Strengths

Abstract

Rethinking Relationships Between Divorced Mothers and Their Children: Capitalizing on Family Strengths* Based on interview data from 58 young adult children who experienced parental divorce, this study examines qualitative aspects of mother-child relationships and strengths in these relationships. Boundar issues and roles shifts between children and their divorced mothers are particularly emphasized. A content analysis revealed that often times, mothers were i iewed as friends, especially by daughters, and their withdrawal from caregiving was generally welcomed. Implications of mothers ' reliance on their children for emotional support are explored from the child's perspective. While such behavior has largely been pathologized in the clinical literature, this data suggests that mothers' leaning on children for emotional support and advice contributed to a sense of equality, closeness, and friend status. These qualities appeared to be valued by the participants in this study. Implications for family practitioners and scholars, as they relate to notions of boundary violation and adolescent development, are discussed from a family strengths perspective. Key Words: adolescence, boundaries. divorce, parenting. single-mothers. Emphasis in the area of mother-child relationships during and after divorce has tended to focus on the negative implications of mothers' eroding discipline, parenting stress, and role strain for children's adjustment (Capaldi & Patterson, 1991; Forehand, Thomas, Wierson, Brody, & Fauber, 1990; Hetherington, 1989). While the consensus is that divorce does not greatly damage children's relations with custodial mothers (Acock & Demo, 1994; Aquilino, 1994; Peterson & Zill, 1986) compared to children and mothers in two parent families, many scholars fail to address the transformational qualities divorce might bring to mother-child relationships. As with the fathers literature, little is known about qualitative aspects of the relationships divorced mothers have with their children, especially from children's perspectives. Guttman (1993) comments on the dearth of in-depth studies of single mother-child relationships. He observes that what we do know about children's relationships with their divorced mothers often involves comparisons between single mothers and married mothers, and is based on the belief that a marriage is necessary in order for a family system to be defined as legitimate. Such stigma, according to Guttman, ignores the potential diversity of experience for family members and misrepresents the relationships in many single-mother households. Even in the most benign sense, positive findings are interpreted within a deficit framework, emphasizing success despite the hardships of divorce and stress of single parenting (Aquilino,1994). It is a rare study that considers single mothers' strengths with regard to parenting and household management (see for example, Arditti & MaddenDerdich, 1995; Richards & Schmiege, 1993). One of the central concerns about parenting after divorce involves the implications of shifting boundaries between parents and children resulting from the ending of the spousal system. Such a consideration is rooted in family systems theory whereby the characteristics of relationship subsystems (e.g. parent-child; spousal) shape the boundaries that separate them. Family therapists have particularly emphasized the problems that can be associated with boundary which might occur when the intergenerational boundaries between parents and children are weak or distressed (Fish, Belsky, & Youngblade, 1991). Examples of boundary violations include drawing children into marital disputes as well as shifts in power between parents and children (Minuchin, 1974). Satir (1967) emphasized the danger of elevating the child to a level of false equality with the parents, which in turn leaves the child's developmental needs unmet and leads to distrust in their later relationships. …