Resolving friendship issues

Abstract

Sorting out friendship problems is not the most enjoyable part of being a teacher. I always feel that the first 15 minutes after lunch may as well be officially timetabled in as ‘deal with playground issues’. It is one of those hidden parts of the job that can often be the most stressful and it is certainly not something they cover in-depth at teacher training college! I tried many strategies before finding something to help me navigate through the world of friendship issues. Mostly my strategies involved me acting as some sort of referee, conducting the children in taking it in turns to speak, blowing my whistle when they made a mistake and forcing both sides to mutter a resentful ‘sorry’. Finally, a vague solution like ‘just stay away from each other’ was decided upon and everyone would go away dissatisfied and frustrated – myself included. On top of that, it almost never worked. Like some kind of Ground Hog Day, the process would usually have to be repeated again, and often within the following week. One day I voiced my frustrations to a friend of mine who works as a life coach, and she suggested that I read a book called Non-violent Communication. It is written by Marshall Rosenberg, a psychologist, who runs the non-profit Centre for Non-violent Communication (NVC). His style of communication has been used in war-torn countries, to create peace in the most confrontational of situations. It is also based upon the style of communication that Gandhi used. Unlike the title suggests, NVC isn’t actually for children or adults who are ‘violent’. The ‘non-violence’ refers to communicating in a compassionate way, rather than using language of blame or judgment, both towards ourselves and others. In more detail, NVC basically promotes the idea that no-one can ‘make’ you feel anything – that you alone are responsible for your feelings. It also advocates that you are allowed to feel your negative emotions, but that you need to recognise them as un-met needs in yourself, and then teaches you to express them in a safe, compassionate way. For example, you might feel angry and upset because someone has called you an unkind name, so therefore your ‘need’ for respect wasn’t met. Or you may feel frustrated when working in a group because your need for fairness around how the work is shared out isn’t being met. Using a simple three stage process, you can then express your unmet needs.