Recovering from an Extramarital Relationship from a Non-Systemic Approach

Abstract

According to some systemic thinkers, extramarital affairs are a joint venture between spouses. In an attempt to revitalize an emotionally depleted marriage, partners choose to triangulate a third party, and thus generate a crisis in the marriage. From a systemic point of view, cheating spouses represent the fear of engulfment while cheated partners represent the fear of abandonment, both fears being associated with the process of individuation. From the systems theory point of view, both partners are responsible for creating this scenario, in which there are no victims. This paper will explore the possibility that an extramarital affair is not a joint venture between partners, and that cheated partners are often victims of a psychological setup by their partners. In order to justify extramarital relationships, cheating partners induce their spouses into playing a very negative role in the marriage. In a systemic scenario, cheated partners are not only betrayed, but are also made partly responsible for the betrayal, which makes recovery very difficult for them. A clinical case will be discussed.