Openings, Obstacles, and Disruptions: Desire as a Portable Queer Method

Abstract

I am going to ask an embarrassing question. Is all this romance totally sublimated in field notes and language learning only to emerge in texts as metaphors for the heroic quest by the single anthropologists, or does the erotic ever make a human gesture? If so, what might be the significance of the erotic equation in fieldwork and its representation or lack thereof in ethnographic text?-Esther Newton, My Best Informant's Dress: The Erotic Equation in FieldworkExploring Ethnographic DesiresFor my doctoral research, I was always on the lookout for lesbians who worked at gas stations. One day, per my usual routine, I stopped at a gas station outside of my regular route to get a Diet Coke. As I was paying for my purchase, I realized that the cashier was a lesbian. Although I had my son with me (which sometimes leads others to read me as straight), she immediately recognized me as a lesbian. The ensuing interaction was instantaneous and largely nonverbal.In an effort to upsell me from my twelve ounce Diet Coke to a thirtytwo ounce that would cost me only an additional forty cents, she flirted intensely with me through smiles and gestures, despite the line of customers forming behind me. I was intrigued that she was flirting with me. Though I enjoyed the attention, I did not interpret it as flirting out of serious sexual interest, as I was old enough to be her mother, wearing a wedding ring, and toting around a kid. What then occurred to me is that I had just witnessed flirtatious emotional labor in action as a consumer. And of course, I did what any other desperate researcher in the field would do: I flirted back in an effort to establish a connection so that she would agree to an interview with me. In the end, I remained committed to my twelve ounce Diet Coke, but I did get the interview.Throughout my research, laboring lesbians tell story after story of going out of their way to please customers in order to create a sense of loyalty to the gas station. Over time, I realized that these women had developed techniques in the workplace to establish relationships with customers. In an interview setting, their use of these same techniques translated into a concentrated focus of attention on me as I was concentrating on them. The combined concentration of interest made the interview space ripple with desire. In fact, multiple desires arose throughout my project.My ethnographic research project focused on the everyday lives of laboring lesbians who work in U.S. gas stations for Hess Corporation. Through both a sociological and geographical lens, I examined how institutions of race, class, gender, and sexuality imprinted on the bodies of lesbians as they performed primarily feminized labor. Ultimately, I was interested in the ways in which sexuality matters in the workplace through an analysis of how lesbians perform feminized emotional labor within the historically masculine space of the gas station. Methodologically, I discovered early on in my research that a current of desire-both my own desire and that of my subjects-ran through my research experience, ultimately informing my project in multiple and profound ways.What was happening that could cause me to smile sincerely and wink at a woman I had just met? Why did she smile at me softly with a slight sparkle of interest in her eyes? Why did our bodies come closer together as the interview progressed, as if the possibility of desire was pulling us forward? I would have felt comfortable if this was a single encounter that I could safely attribute to a moment of mutual interest and admiration. But it happened again and again. These moments of desire happened in vary- ing degrees of awareness and strength. However, in remembering my nine years of fieldwork, I could feel it was always present. Over time, I began to understand that desire takes many forms within research: the political and personal decision of which research project to pursue, the intellectual curiosity needed to commit to a project over time, the pleasurable flow of desire between myself and research participants, and even moments of discomfort. …