On Chemo Brain, Citizens' Arrests, and the Development of Kittens

Abstract

My brain has a mind of its own. Most of the time, give it commands in much the same way Captain Kirk gave commands to the Enterprise computer. Computer, plot a course for Alpha Centauri. Without hesitation, the computer replies, Course plotted. In my case, the commands have always been far more mundane, Give me five more ways can teach John about regrouping. Or Give me three other uses for egg cartons. So, on the whole, I've always felt pretty confident that was in control of my brain. Until recently. For several months, paid people to regularly inject large amounts of poison into my veins, poison designed to kill as many newly forming cancer cells as possible--without killing me in the process. Chemo's side effects are numerous and varied. So no matter how felt, how my body responded, or what strange occurrences reported to my oncologist--and there were strange things to report--my oncologist simply responded, Yes, that happens with chemo. Over time, became pretty sure that if reported I'd grown a second head, his reply would have been the same. As my body mounted its forces to fight the poison, got tired--very tired--and spent a lot of time lying on the couch drifting in and out of sleep as the TV droned on in the background. That's when my brain began to assert its control. The doctor explained that my body's efforts to expel the poison meant less oxygen flowed to my brain. As a result, my brain, usually busy with my many commands, was suddenly unoccupied. And, I've learned, brains left with too much time on their hands can get into trouble. It happened like this. One afternoon drifted off to sleep while watching the old Andy Griffith Show. In this episode, overzealous deputy Barney Fife gets into a row with n'er-do-well service station operator Gomer Pyle. When Barney tickets Gomer for a traffic violation, Gomer protests. Later, when Gomer sees Barney make an illegal U-turn, he rushes into the street yelling, Citizen's arrest! Gomer's voice has remained etched in my memory since first heard him utter those words years ago. Babies and Reading Drifting back to consciousness some time later, realized Mayberry had been replaced by an infomercial touting a new reading program for babies. This program promised to revolutionize how reading is taught. Using an animated illustration and the word clap, the program's developer pointed out that Baby would hear the word, see the word, and do the word. When the baby in the illustration claps, a light blinks in Baby's head, scientifically proving his argument's validity. The plan would be great, mused, if reading involved just calling out the names of concrete items and action words. But how would this program teach a baby to read the word the, wondered. I've seen such programs before, and suspect I'll see them again. They're created, think, by well-intentioned folk but marketed by charlatans who play on the emotions of concerned parents. Even as thought this, heard the words, Citizen's arrest! coming from my mouth. But had not commanded my brain to say those words. My brain was acting on its own, and it--my brain--seemed seriously out of control. Google 'police surplus stun guns', my brain demanded. We'll need some means of enforcement even for a citizen's arrest. was horrified! You can't arrest the guy for trying to sell parents a miracle teaching program, no matter how much of a charlatan he is, explained to my vigilante brain. I mean, it's just advertising. It's the same as coal companies touting 'clean coal' or claims that a Taco Bell drive-through diet is a good weight-loss plan. It's a buyer-beware world. Besides, these things come and go. …