Mr. and Mrs. P Are Married

Abstract

ELIZABETH CRANE Mr. and Mrs. P Are Married I rs.P isbornon a colddayinWestVirginia in1947, eyesopen, HHHH to a homemaker and a generalpractitioner. Worrying everyone terribly shedoes notspeakuntilherthird birthday whenshesays, I have togo . No one knowswhatthismeans.When directedtowardthe bathroom, shelooksin and shakesherhead.The childis immediately signedupforCatholicschool. Mr.P isbornin LosAngeles,California in 1941witha slapto the bottomthatliterally knockstheshitoutofhim,and its notso mucha signofwhaťstocome,theoppositeifanything, as itisthefirst ina long seriesofunfortunate incidents. His parents hadoncebeeninvaudeville, ifthathasanything todo withanything. We doubtit,butjustputting itoutthere. Upon turning thirteen, Mrs.P s mothercutsherdaughter 's long blondehairintoa Jackie-style bob,whichdoes notsuither.It's the latest thing ,hermother says, butMrs.P willhaveshort haironlyonemoretime inherlife, whichwillalsobe a mistake. Mrs.P loveshermother(ifnot as muchthisdayas others),butsheis nowandwillalways be a daddy's girl.(I'mhideousl/Babygirl, you couldn't behideous ifyou grew a camels hump onyour back. Hair grows, sweet thing you just hold on. /She hates me, why else would she dothis>/ Sweet pea, your mama doesn't hate you, I reckon she's just aspeck jealous because the bloom isoff her rose and yours is justopening up .) Mrs.P wondersfora moment what willhappenwhenthebloomfallsoffherownrose,butas soon as that thought passes,shetearsoff forthedimestore, whereshepockets a mascaraanda "FatalApple"redlipstick. In additiontobloom-lossprevention ,youngMrs.P hopesthiswillbring someedgetoherstyle, and this lookisn'treally hereither, butshegivesita goodgoforthebetter partof seventh grade.However, thismovedoes notbringhergreatpopularity and shequickly remodelsherself one moretimewitha ponytail and a smile.Thiswillcarry hera longway. 55 Mr.P,tall,skinny and Irishly handsome,getsintosome trouble thesummer before hisfreshman yearofhighschool,theusual1956fare: smokingbehindthe bleachers,fistfight on Sunset Boulevardhaving something to do witha girl,drinking/throwing up whiskey intoEcho ParkLake.His punishments escalateaccordingly fromgrounding fora daytoayardstickwhipping , andthesewhippings willcontinue throughouthishigh -school career. FromthisMr.P willlearntwothings. Thing one: thatyardstick-whippings modify hisbehavioronlyforthelength oftimeittakesforthephysical painto go away(a lessonMr.P theelderwillnoteverlearn ).Thingtwo:justbecauseyardstickwhippings as methodofparenting maynotbe effective does notmeanhewont keep it in mind.(In fact, whenhe has hisown children ofy-whipping age, hewillnotresort tothis, buthewillconsider it,often.)Mr.P isnotthe dumbest guyon theplanet, buthes notsuperquick. Mrs.P joinsthepep squad in highschool,and is nominatedfor captainbefore theendoftheyear.Shehasbecomequitea natural beautyalthough in thebrainsdepartment she'spretty muchon thelevelof herfuture husband, maybea half-notch up. Mrs.P does spenda lotof timethinking, aboutlifemostly, shejustdoesn'tgetvery farwithit.She looksat theworldaroundher,and it sortoflooksnice,post-football bonfires, pie-baking contests, Main Street parades, church potlucks, but evenfromthecenter, feelsremovedfromit somehow.It looksto her likea classphototheytookwithouther.She thinks shes supposedto wantit,butimagines themallwalking aroundwithnothing butclouds in theirskullsbecauseits easierthancomingup withanyidea ofwhat they really think. Attimesshewishesshehadcloudsinherownskullin placeofthoughts likethese, buteventheeffort toassimilate onlyresults in further thoughts aboutwhyno one seeswhatshe sees. She triesto enterthepicture bydatingthequarterback, Ned Crawford, formostof herjuniorandsenioryearsofhighschool,leaving himdevastated when shedecidestobreakupwithhimright before prom.Ned hadbeenplanninga promnightproposal,but Mrs.P had been secretly fucking her mechanicsincehe fixedherFordFalcon.The mechanichad seduced her,quiteeasily, withtalkoflife'ssmallbeauties;theBaptistchurch on SouthElmjustafter itletsout,thePotters' oldbluebarnthatleanslike 56 a parallelogram, a pinkband-aidon a boysskinned knee,thepercussion ofa carengine.He talksat lengthaboutThedetails that give meaning tothe mundane, (itsnot about looking itsabout seeing you dig? ) Mrs.P hasneverheard talklikethisbefore, certainly notat home,and Ned speaksmostly of football and taking overthefamily shoestore, neither ofwhichinterest her.The mechanicsparksmoreinherthanhersexualnature(whichis nosmallportion ofheroverall nature), itsalmostasthough heactivated a hiddenmechanism orreplaceda missing partshedhardly knownwas there, and suddenly shefeelsas thoughherwholeselfhas finally been assembled.When shetellshimsheneedsto go,he nodsand sendsher off witha farewell fuck. After readinga tiny ad foran artschoolinthe backofPhotoplay ,Mrs.P takesoff forLosAngeles, justbefore graduation. Disheartenedto discoverthattheartschoolis actually justa suburban postoffice box,sheredirects andanswers a casting callforAll-American typesfora gameshowhostessin thesamemagazine.She does notget thatjob,butlandsa mayonnaise commercial right after putting inanapplication attheChickenA-Go Go. Mr.P isatthistimeon theamateurboxingcircuit, mostly getting hisass kicked, butitdoesn'tmatter, becausea talentscoutfromone of thenetworks spotshimand offers hima screentestfora newsoap opera .Mr.P,likeMrs.P,hadshownlittleinterest inacting before jumping in (in spiteofoccasionalsuggestions from hisparentstobringback vaudeville ) and histalenthasn'tquitebeenuncovered at thispoint(although he does havesome), buton thebasis ofhisresemblance to theactor hiredto playhisbrother, he'sgiventhepart.The showbecomesa hit andMr.P makesthecoverofPhotoplay andMrs.P seesitandthinks he's kindofcutein a blandsortofway, a guywho managesa grocery store kindofway, butshewon'tgivehimanotherthought forfifteen years. At thistime,nineteen-year-old Mrs.P is involvedwitha mucholder televisionproducerwho getshera fewlineson some popularsituationcomediesand notmuchmore.She'snotwithhimforthisreason, that'snotherthing, and she'snotwithhimjustbecausehetellshershe hasa quality (becauseshehas no idea whatthismeans),noris shewith himbecausehe talksto heras thoughsheunderstands whathe'stalkingabout (evenwhenshedoesn't),whichshefeelsmanypeople don't 57 (evenifitissometimes true). Shes...