Abstract

In this paper we develop a view about the disorientation attached to the process of falling out of love and explain its prudential and moral value. We start with a brief background on theories of love and situate our argument within the views concerned with the lovers’ identities. Namely, love changes who we are. In the context of our paper, we explain this common tenet in the philosophy of love as a change in the lovers’ self-concepts through a process of mutual shaping. This, however, is potentially dangerous for people involved in what we call ‘subsuming relationships’, who give up too much autonomy in the process of mutual shaping. We then move on to show how, through the relation between love and the self-concept, we can explain why the process of falling out of love with someone is so disorientating: when one is falling out of love, one loses an important point of reference for self-understanding. While this disorientating process is typically taken to be harmful to the person experiencing it, we will explain how it can also have moral and prudential value. By re-evaluating who we were in the relationship and who we are now, we can escape from oppressive practices in subsuming relationships. We finish by arguing that this gives us reason to be wary of seeking to re-orient ourselves -or others- too quickly after falling out of love.

Highlights

  • We explain the process of falling out of love as one of profound disorientation and explain why this process may have both moral and prudential value: by re-evaluating who we were in the relationship and who we are we can escape from oppressive practices which are sometimes linked to romantic partnerships

  • We argued that mutual shaping could lead to a subsuming relationship when one party in the relationship subordinates her autonomy to the other, who gains excessive control in the shaping of her self-concept

  • We began by showing the consensus on love entailing a change in the beloved, in virtue of the acquisition of mutual interests. This change is a result of the process of mutual shaping, which leads the lovers to act in virtue of the other’s interests and their respective interpretation of each other - which eventually shapes the lovers’ respective self-concept

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Summary

Introduction

Falling out of love is a delicate and important business, and as necessary to the attainment of wisdom as the reverse experience. Who am I supposed to be now?” Rebecca’s statement reflects a feature of the end of relationships which has been documented in psychological studies as a decrease in ‘self-concept clarity’ By this is meant a decrease in “the extent to which the contents of an individual’s self-concept (e.g., perceived personal attributes) are clearly and confidently defined, internally consistent, and temporally stable” (Campbell et al 1996: 141). We start by giving a brief background on theories of love, and show how several differing views share the idea of love entailing a change in the lovers’ identities We situate this change at the level of the self-concept, and show the dangers of giving up too much autonomy in romantic partnerships, characterised by a process of mutual shaping of the self-concept. We finish by arguing that this gives us reason to be wary of seeking to re-orient ourselves -or others- too quickly after falling out of love

Defining Love Through Identity
How Love Shapes the Self-Concept
Falling out of Love and Disorientation
The Value of Falling out of Love
Practical Implications
Conclusion
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