Lesbian and Gay Parents and the Dilemma of Difference

Abstract

The debate between opponents and supporters of lesbian and gay parents is often centered around the meaning of the research literature that has studied lesbian and gay families. Opponents argue that the research shows that the preferences and behavior of children of lesbians and gay men are different in significant ways from those of children of heterosexuals. Supporters usually deny the existence of difference. Rather than continue back and forth with this debate, I assume in this paper that the opponents of parenting by lesbians and gay men are correct on one issue: that there are differences in the gender preferences and behavior of the children of lesbians and gay men. The purpose of this assumption is to proceed to explore the implications of difference for the equality claims of current and prospective lesbian and gay parents, including adoptive parents. I argue that not all differences in the preferences and behavior of children should be equated with harm, especially when those differences are associated with nonconformity with traditional gender roles and expectations. I also argue that our social norms relating to parental autonomy counsel against state interference in internal family matters in the absence of clear harm. The value of parental autonomy fosters a kind of pluralism and diversity in the preferences and behavior of children that should be encouraged and celebrated rather than feared. Finally, I argue that if a state were to try to prohibit lesbians and gay men from adopting on the basis of the differences in gender preferences and behaviors of their children, such a justification would fail to pass constitutional muster under the equal protection clause.