Helping parents help their children

Abstract

If you are a parent, a teacher, or a professional who has to decide how to help a child with a learning or behavior problem, it is helpful to ask three questions: 1) How do I tend to react now to the child and the problem? What is my style of response? 2) How do children see the world? 3) Given an understanding of my own reaction to this child, and given an understanding of how children view the world, then what can I do about it? How can I modify my own behavior in order to help the child? In thinking about one's own reaction to a child who has a problem, one approach to the task is according to a scheme proposed by Karen Homey (1966). She noted that there are three basic ways to deal with a situation or a person: to move toward, away from, or against. Each of these responses can be good or bad, depending upon how extreme they are and depending upon the situation. The most common form of moving against a child is anger. It may be anger with the child, or anger with yourself, if you feel responsible. If you move away from the problem and the child, then you can ignore the child or deny that there is a problem. Moving toward the child at first sounds like the most preferable of the three styles, and of course it is, if done in a healthy way. But moving toward can take the form of pity, or overindul gence. It may seem that your primary concern is the child. But, if you believe that that is the case, it is important to consider whether you feel real sympathy for the child. Do you overdo it? Do you behave so permissively that the child will develop kinds of behavior that will cause other children and adults to despise him or her? In thinking about your present style of responding to your child, ask yourself, first of all, what you praise, blame, or ignore about your child. Consider very carefully and analytically the child's behavior, achievements, and misbehavior, and the embarrassing or upsetting things he or she does, and whether you tend to praise, blame, or ignore them. The first task, then, is primarily one of knowing and thinking: to develop in your mind a clear