Help Me End the Silence When One of Our Colleagues is Lost to Suicide.

Abstract

To the Editor: The focus on mental health in the May 2021 issue of Academic Medicine is laudable. The articles represent a step forward in addressing this pressing issue that plagues our medical profession. Culture will change, one story at a time, and every shared story brings us closer to being a community willing to address mental health challenges. Today, I am writing to represent a voice that was not included in the Academic Medicine conversation: that of a physician left behind after a loved one—another physician—dies by suicide. For anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide, the world can feel lonely, filled with unanswered questions and inescapable guilt. What was missed? What could I have done? And of course, the question that will never be answered: Why? As a physician, my guilt is only magnified by thoughts of what I missed as a professional. While I wanted these issues to engender a conversation with others, it is one I have had largely with myself. I have made small strides that give me hope for the future. I remember the first time I said the word suicide out loud. It is a cause of death that is complicated and intensely personal, so at first, I kept it to myself, fearing the reaction it would elicit. I owe a debt of gratitude to my closest colleagues for creating a safe space. I remember the relief conferred by the simple act of saying suicide in the presence of another. While this was a step forward for me, I continue to encounter frightened looks in the eyes of coworkers who are not yet open to this conversation. Unfortunately, this is the more common response, conveying the sentiment: Please don’t talk about this. I don’t know how to respond to you. This makes me so uncomfortable. It is crucial for those in our medical community to understand that we, their colleagues who have lost loved ones who were also their colleagues, exist. While efforts to destigmatize mental health issues and prevent physician suicides are critically important, the community must not forget that for those of us who have lost loved ones, these efforts will not bring those loved ones back. I write this letter to convey the sentiment that we should not be forgotten. I write to encourage other physicians to engage us, their colleagues, in meaningful conversation, whether in a classroom, a call room, a lunchroom, or a patient’s room. Our voices need to be heard; we want to tell our stories.