Finding Community After Suicide and a Near-Death Experience.

Abstract

Finding Community After Suicide and a Near-Death Experience Chris Batts I felt rejected throughout my life. At six months old, my mother threw me in a dumpster, and for years I lived in foster homes. I lived in bad neighborhoods with unkind and untrustworthy people. I felt alone and worthless. No one understood my pain. I kept it all secret. I dropped out of high school. After a breakup a few years later, I started experimenting with drugs. Because I used to have epilepsy as a kid, I went to the doctor and told him I was having seizures. That way, I could get prescription drugs and try to overdose on them. I ended up experimenting with those pills, taking them every few hours. Something else started happening, too. Maybe it was my abuse from childhood coming back. Whenever I would go to certain places and see crowds of people there, I would get nervous and start freezing up. My body would shake and my stomach would hurt. I felt scared and paranoid, thinking that everyone was against me. This feeling hit me even when I was playing basketball. I started thinking people were criticizing my every move. I felt angry because I [End Page 24] didn't want to feel that way. It began to depress me and impacted my ability to find and keep a job. I went through a period of drinking heavily. I didn't have many options for my addictions or anxiety. I didn't have insurance or money to pay for treatment. I didn't even know what treatments were out there for my situation. I made some small improvements on my own, but my depression kept coming back and got stronger. At age 24, I got despondent over unhealthy, unsupportive people in my life. Everyone seemed to be rejecting me. While in a car with my friend, I received a call from my mom. (My grandmother gave her my phone number because she wanted to talk to me.) Rather than offer any words of comfort, she told me not to look for her and not to call her. She said she didn't want me and told me, "I'm not your mom." Life didn't seem worth living. I decided to commit suicide there and then by jumping out of my friend's moving car. My head hit the concrete, and I had a severe head injury. My head split open. I had an out of body experience while my physical body lay on the pavement. Somewhere, I heard a voice say, firmly, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." I found myself in a white void-like space. I didn't see anyone at first but felt this strong presence. I just knew it was God. God's presence was familiar, strong, and definite. Some things are just so hard to put into words, but when you feel God, you know God in every aspect of your being. In that place, your vision is perfect, your hearing is perfect, and everything is perfect. You're not hungry, not thirsty. You're just in your spirit. Nevertheless, I was in disbelief. I didn't think to look at myself because I was scared and uncertain. I thought, "Whoa, this is crazy! This is insane! Humans can't come up with this stuff." Then I thought, "Wait, this stuff really does happen." I was certain that God knew all my thoughts. He knew I was trying to understand what was happening. I had so many questions too. What was God all about? Who is worthy of God's love? He answered my unspoken questions right away because God and the Source know you completely down to every particle of your soul. God assured me that everyone is loved, and I should make sure they know it. God introduced me to beings I call angels. I was scared at first but was surprised that I recognized them. The angel on my left side did not look human. He had male energy and was closest in appearance to a large beetle with huge lavender-grey wings. The wings looked thin and had...