Experiences of joy and fear

Abstract

LIFE hit me with its full colours and sounds when was diagnosed with breast cancer. And the feeling of being alive was so acute, as if it was an entity in itself, like when you are short of breath and breathing becomes a con scious experience. In June 2005 had a mammogram as a regu lar check-up. was distracted when reading the result, as was usually distracted when it came to my health, and due to a combination of fac tors, travelling, too much work, my son's wed ding coming soon, and mostly because felt overconfident about my good health, it was only in September that took the film to the gynaecologist. He examined my breasts, looked at the mammogram and said, to this overconfi dent woman who had never used hormone replacement therapy and who had breastfed, and thus did not consider herself at risk: I would like you to have an ultrasound examination, but relax, there is nothing to worry about. You have a family wedding coming up and your birthday is also coming. There's no hurry, you can have it when it is convenient for you. The wedding was lovely, an open air cere mony in a country house outside Rio, and my birthday, in October, was celebrated with my family and many balloons carried by little Sofia, my one-year-old granddaughter with whom was, and still am, deeply in love. Sometimes we take decisions without thinking much, over issues that don't seem so important, and yet, those decisions are crucial. In November, had to travel to San Francisco. The Global Fund for Women was having a gala and as Chair of the Board, was supposed to make a speech. Just before my departure, having finished revising my presentation and the papers for the Board meeting, decided to have the ultrasound. Memories are made of moments, not sequences. have vivid memories of moments of deep joy and sadness in my life, and not so many of moments of fear. My first memory of fear dates back to when was very, very little, maybe three or four years old, walking in a street with my father and seeing a man with many bandages on his body. have never forgotten the fear this image produced on me and how held onto my father's hand seeking protection. During the mili tary dictatorship in Brazil, and later in Chile, have also experienced fear, a permanent diffuse feeling, sharpened when had to carry out certain tasks or meet people who were clandestine. The physical expression of fear in my body is always the same, my neck gets stiff, my hands get cold and sweaty, my body aches and, as a survival | strategy, get overly conscious of my movements. When the examination was over, asked the doctor if there were changes compared to the mammogram. She said that even though the two types of examination produced different images, she thought there had been growth in the nodule. It usually takes at least seven days for the laboratory to return the results of ultrasound exams. asked if she could give me the result sooner because was about to travel abroad. When she responded that it would be ready that same afternoon, experienced all the mani festations of fear, because knew that had a tumour and it was 90?/o sure that it was malignant. From that moment on, my life came into full bloom, as a precious object to be protected. The days that followed went by like one of those old movies, where characters do everything in a run. talked to my brother and my son-in-law, both physicians, had all sort of scans and new mam mograms and in less than a week was operated on by an oncologist surgeon who did a conservative