Bearing Your Right Arm

Abstract

Bearing Your Right Arm Dan Olds (bio) Recently, our government allowed an assault rifle ban to fade away. I see this as a first step in the right direction. Nothing complements the warm fuzzy feeling I get hearing the little birds in the trees chirping quite like the pleasant "klackity-klak" of an AK-47. Some ask why anyone would need an assault rifle. Well, I ask if you know of a better way to deal with a squirrel than with an Uzi. Yeah, I say let us hope this is only the first step on a path toward a bright, shell-filled future. A future in which many tools, currently listed as military ordinance, could be used to make things a little easier around the house and yard. Tree need to come down? Plastic explosives would save you so much time. Someone block you into your driveway? A small rocket-propelled grenade can easily relocate this sir or madam's misplaced vehicle. Don't want rabbits in your garden? Plant a mine field. If a rabbit does wander in, hey, free fertilizer. And you can't tell me there's a better way to keep the dog off the couch than a few well-timed warning blasts from a flame thrower. I find that exponentially more effective than a rolled-up newspaper. Some of you are pulling away from me at this point, but please, let me explain. Our country was founded with guns as they helped us defeat the British. Our founding fathers, seeing them as such, made them protected in our constitution. See, guns are there to help us as tools, but also to put one more check and balance in our governing body. This leads me to my next point. The plan was, if the government ever became tyrannical, unrepresentative of the people, it could and should be overthrown. Do you really believe, however, that you could successfully rebel against the government with your current stash of post-apocalyptic goodies? No, they have jets and armies to protect them. This means they won't respect your opinion if you have much less than a tank sitting in your garage. So I say it's time to bring control back to the little guy. It's time to stand up and be heard by the powers that be. It's time for each and every American to install his or her very own tactical ICMB missile silo with a personal fission bomb resting peacefully inside. [End Page 35] Can you imagine what a beautiful world this would be? Pull up into your driveway, your neighbor comes over (no need to pull out the sawed-off shotgun, mind you; this is the neighbor you like). "Morning Ted, I see you have the missile out in 'Ready' mode today." "Yeah, well, you know George, it needed a quick wipe down and I find it keeps those pesky kids who play hockey in the street away from the flower bed." "Yes, your daylilies are coming in great." "Thanks, it's all that chipmunk fertilizer you gave me; the stuff works something wonderful." So I say lift those bans, twitch those trigger fingers, and bring on that military ordinance. I'm seeing a bright, shiny, noisy, tactical future America, and it looks great. Now get out of my yard. Dan Olds Dan Olds began his academic career trying to solve the mysteries of existence with physics and philosophy. He failed. Moving on to search for the answers in art, he discovered he wrote bad poetry, took ugly photographs, and painted a horrible picture. Distraught with his lack of talent, Dan turned to satire. Finding a natural outlet for his bitterness towards stupidity, he vowed to fight social acceptance of moronic ideals to the bitter end. To this day he is still fighting and by the looks of things, losing. Copyright © 2005 Michigan State University