How Gender Discourses Hijack Couple Therapy—and How to Avoid It

Abstract

This chapter is a result of our academic research pursuits intersecting with our own personal growth processes as family therapists. We share our own journeys in moving toward seeing how gender discourses, in the context of two dominant societal narratives, inform all of us—therapists, as well as female and male clients—about what we perceive as acceptable ways of thinking, feeling, and acting in intimate relationships. We discuss our grounded theory research study of 23 couple therapy sessions and the dominant gender discourses we discovered. We found three dominant gender discourses: Men should be the authority, women should be responsible for relationships, and women should protect men from shame. These discourses were pervasive and their presence very much impacted the progression of therapy and contributed to power inequalities between partners. We were surprised by how therapists unintentionally reinforced these discourses, though there were a few examples of therapists attempting to challenge discourses. As we have grown in our own consciousness about how we as therapists can perpetuate relational inequalities, we suggest practical applications for how clinicians, supervisors, and teachers can prevent gender discourses from hijacking couple therapy and help move relationships toward mutual support and equality.