Confronting Myself: Looking Through the Lens of Critical Race Theory

Abstract

is not to reform students or amuse them or to make them expert technicians. It is to unsettle their minds, widen their horizons, and inflame them to think straight, if possible.--Robert M. Hutchens I signed up for Dr. Lisa Merriweather Hunn's Critical Race Theory course, expecting just another summer class with an enormous amount of reading crammed into five short weeks. I had no idea that this course, more than any other I have ever taken, would change my view of society, the world, and myself. The subject matter required a trip deep below the surface layers of my conscience, character, and worldview, to a place in my mind that even I am only vaguely aware. The course almost did not happen because only four people signed up for it. After some discussion within the department and insistence on the part of Dr. Merriweather Hunn, Critical Race Theory was allowed to continue on its maiden voyage, and I doubt if anyone realized how important it would be for the instructor and the students. In fact, by the end of the five-week course, we all agreed that it should become a requirement for graduate students in the Adult, Higher, and Community Education program. There Are No Innocents The first class hit the ground running with a racial autobiography assignment due the first week. I knew I had a lot to say about how race and racism affected my life, so I approached this assignment with interest and confidence. However, I soon realized that the experience of writing about my life and race was an emotional journey that would prepare me for the rest of the course. As I wrote, I began to remember experiences regarding race and racism that I had forgotten. These memories included racism I have experienced from individuals as well as instances of societal racism. I also remembered instances of my own racism. My memories raised questions for me about my life and how I formed my own views on race. This assignment should always be the first assignment in a course focused on Critical Race Theory because it gives students a place to start thinking about racism and oppression, both in society and in their personal lives. As many of the Baby-Boomer generation have done, I marched on Washington, DC for equal rights, participated in many protest demonstrations, and tried to live my life in a way that denounced racism and oppression. However, as I wrote about my encounters with racism, I remembered some of my own racism as well as that of my family. I began to realize that I was responsible for some of the racism in our society. This realization made me very uncomfortable and the discomfort led to some defensiveness and disappointment in myself. Later, as the class members read about and discussed whiteness, I began to feel anger more than any other emotion. For a white person, thinking about whiteness is something like thinking about breathing. It most certainly exists, but it is such a part of the fabric of everyday life in America that it is difficult to describe or analyze. Many times as I read the assigned articles, I found myself breathing a sigh of relief when I could say, That is awful, but I don't do Then, usually only a few paragraphs further, I read about a racist or an example of privileged behavior that I am guilty of doing or thinking. I had to put the readings down and walk away from my anger many times during this part of the course. We kept our thoughts in journals and this excerpt illustrates my pain and anger when confronting white privilege and oppression: I am still a member of the dominant race; I can't change that. I still get some privilege; therefore, I need to think seriously about what whiteness is. Some of the readings make me very uncomfortable and leave me feeling that it is hopeless. No matter what I do, it is wrong. Other readings made me feel like I was being put in a category; I am not a member just because I have that fish-belly white skin. …